Tonight I feel a bit defeated and overwhelmingly sad.
My heart aches for our child.
As we continue to push forward I feel like other forces push us back.
The Past continues to haunt and hinder;
it's presence lurks in our home.
The pain oozes out of him in an onslaught of verbal and physical actions.
I believe in the power of prayer and that God's love can conquer all.
Therefore I remain hopeful and work towards defying the odds.
I know, though, we cannot do this alone.
It does take a village to raise a child, to work with a family and weather the storms of life.
Right now we need that kind of support.
Please pray.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Unbreaking a Heart
I realize that our therapists, the authors of various books and blog tidbits I have been reading are right. Mark and I really are Anthony's best therapists; his best chance for getting over his hurt and creating a new belief system regarding his life.
His behavior was disastrous from the moment I picked him up from daycare. He had an awful day full of being mean to others and several time-outs. When I got there he hit a kid a couple of times and I had to carry him to the van kicking, hitting and screaming once again. When we got home we rocked and had some milk. He was still full of anger and was very rigid; he refused to cuddle, wiped off all kisses and was still hitting. Finally he calmed down and became quiet. He then said the words that I know I will never forget.
He turned and looked at me in such an innocent, sad way saying,
"Mama, you said you didn't want me."
What?!
How is this possible?
Why would he ever even think or say this?
What have I done or said to make him believe I wouldn't want him?
Doesn't he know how much I love him; how much I think of him and pray for him everyday; how I only want the very best for him throughout his entire life?
Am I giving enough?
Am I doing the right thing therapy-wise to help him?
Can he feel my love?
Of course the tears came immediately for me as well as kisses and so many reassurances. For the first time since coming home he finally relaxed. His body melted into mine and he let me hold him tight and give him endless kisses, which I did gladly.
The questions, doubts and worries haven't stopped since then. I hope we can make it through these next nine weeks so summer can get here. I want days upon days with my son right now. I want to go for walks, swing at the park, play with play-doh and do all of the others things that mommies and sons do together. While we read books, go to swimming lessons and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse together I pray that he will continue to tear down his mountain of hurt and let all of my mommy love come in and touch his bruised heart.
Most importantly, I never want him to think or believe ever again that I didn't/don't want him. Waiting and wanting our beautiful son is all I (we) did for years. There's nothing I could want more than him.
His behavior was disastrous from the moment I picked him up from daycare. He had an awful day full of being mean to others and several time-outs. When I got there he hit a kid a couple of times and I had to carry him to the van kicking, hitting and screaming once again. When we got home we rocked and had some milk. He was still full of anger and was very rigid; he refused to cuddle, wiped off all kisses and was still hitting. Finally he calmed down and became quiet. He then said the words that I know I will never forget.
He turned and looked at me in such an innocent, sad way saying,
"Mama, you said you didn't want me."
What?!
How is this possible?
Why would he ever even think or say this?
What have I done or said to make him believe I wouldn't want him?
Doesn't he know how much I love him; how much I think of him and pray for him everyday; how I only want the very best for him throughout his entire life?
Am I giving enough?
Am I doing the right thing therapy-wise to help him?
Can he feel my love?
Of course the tears came immediately for me as well as kisses and so many reassurances. For the first time since coming home he finally relaxed. His body melted into mine and he let me hold him tight and give him endless kisses, which I did gladly.
The questions, doubts and worries haven't stopped since then. I hope we can make it through these next nine weeks so summer can get here. I want days upon days with my son right now. I want to go for walks, swing at the park, play with play-doh and do all of the others things that mommies and sons do together. While we read books, go to swimming lessons and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse together I pray that he will continue to tear down his mountain of hurt and let all of my mommy love come in and touch his bruised heart.
Most importantly, I never want him to think or believe ever again that I didn't/don't want him. Waiting and wanting our beautiful son is all I (we) did for years. There's nothing I could want more than him.
Goggle Love
Hey! Check out my new goggles! Aren't they great?! I sure made mom and dad laugh a lot by wearing them. Boy do I know how to have a great time!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Mother Nature: The Best Show Around!
The unmistakable signs of spring are starting to transform our backyard, which leaves me a bit giddy in anticipation. I love watching the trees starting to bloom, feel the weather getting warmer and spending more of our time outdoors enjoying Mother Nature's endless adventure.This past week Anthony and I were able to spend our spring break together, which was such a delightful change to the usual work week. We played with cars, went hunting for a moose downstairs, read lots of books and spent the whole time just being together. It really was a great week. I'm looking forward to starting the final quarter of the school year tomorrow, watching the colors slowly creep back into our neighborhood and inch closer to a summer filled with lots of mommy and son time.
Hoppy Easter
Momma Manda and Baby Ash
Cuddling with Papa
Uncle Air-wick and his nephews
Grandma Kaffee and her boysWe had a great Easter this year and really enjoyed our time with our families. On Friday we celebrated at my parent's house while on Saturday we traveled to Chisholm to celebrate at Great-Grandma Jean's house. Anthony did so well up north (a definite and wonderful change from the last two trips) and really enjoyed his time with his favorite people. A highlight for him would be getting lots of grandma time in, going to a movie (and eating lots of popcorn) as well as playing with Jocie.
In true Tonja fashion I didn't take out my camera as much as I should have. While we were in Chisholm I realized I spent more time chatting with Mark's aunts, uncles and cousins instead of taking photos of everything. I guess that's what happens when you haven't gotten a chance to see each other in awhile.
As the day comes to an end I feel so thankful to be surround by such wonderful family. We certainly are blessed and loved.
Hoppy Easter everyone!
In true Tonja fashion I didn't take out my camera as much as I should have. While we were in Chisholm I realized I spent more time chatting with Mark's aunts, uncles and cousins instead of taking photos of everything. I guess that's what happens when you haven't gotten a chance to see each other in awhile.
As the day comes to an end I feel so thankful to be surround by such wonderful family. We certainly are blessed and loved.
Hoppy Easter everyone!
Jocie and ATwo peas in a pod!
The Eggs are going to DIE?!
On Friday Anthony colored Easter eggs without the help of the dreaded and scary bunny (aka Auntie Manda). Before beginning, though, he was very concerned that the eggs needed to DIE. Luckily, Uncle Air-wick was able to relieve his worries and DYE Easter eggs with him in a new and fun way.
Getting some color on the egg
Time to spin!
Team work
Ta da! Check out these dazzling creations!
Getting some color on the egg
Time to spin!
Team work
Ta da! Check out these dazzling creations!The Little Monster Goes Hunting
Anthony loved the Easter egg hunt that Uncle Air-wick put together for him. They had quite the adventure and enjoyed the great outdoors together. How lucky he is to have such a wonderful uncle who loves him so dearly.
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