Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tuesday's Randomness

  • Chai tea with friends and a long phone conversation with my sister is definitely the way to start out the week!
  • Clearly it's a good thing we are going to church and Anth is attending Sunday School.  He wanted to know why there was a big plus sign at the front of the church.
    • Hearing Chubby Chubberton say Auntie!  Antee!  Hi!  AWESOME!  on the phone really is so very wonderful.
    • I quickly found out that figurative language/idioms are not something easily understood by little boys.  I told Anth that I was "pooped out" sometime this weekend when he wanted to stay up later than his bedtime.  He thought I pooped my pants.  Pooped O-U-T.  
    • Zoey the Wonder Dog celebrated her sixth birthday yesterday.  Yes, I realize it's a bit bizarre that I actually have it written down on my calendar, but she's such a huge part of our family too.
    • Luckily we got to say goodbye to our beloved ice cream truck and hear the jingle one last time in our neighborhood.  Summer already feels like a way distant memory even though it's only the third week of school.
    • Grandparents who spend the weekend visiting really is a great thing!  (It's even better when A gets out his camera!  SMILE, PAPA MARV!  You made the Hat Trick again!)  

    • Today I had the pleasure of hearing Rachel's Challenge at an assembly at school.  Even though I lived through the story of Columbine shooting while at BSU and had heard a similar presentation years ago, I was totally inspired by her life and the prophetic words she left behind. Her legacy/challenge to others is something that makes so much sense and really could change a school, community, world.
          • Dream big and believe in yourself
          • Be kind to others
          • Practice positive gossip
          • Show appreciation to those you love
          • Be the Answer!
    •  I'm still working on being honest and using the phrase "sucks like shit" when I need too.  The response to that particular post - on the blog, on facebook, on other blogs and email - has all been positive and so encouraging.  It's been a good reminder that people really do appreciate when you can stop hiding behind the facade of "everything is good".
    • So if I'm being honest with myself and those that care about us enough to read our family blog then I would have to say that right now things are tough.  Tonight was the second night in a row that Anthony was completely full of rage and letting it all out on Mark and I.  (I should define rage.  It's like a tantrum times 1,000,000,000 with lots of frothing at the mouth, hitting and vivid word choice said in a constant screaming voice.)  You would think that medication would be the key and all would be well.  (I should have know better!  Just like I thought removing a colon would be key to totally feeling better.  Ha!)  All of this chaos just feels awful --- it's  heartbreaking and so extremely exhausting.  I keep wondering what I have missed along the way, what are we doing wrong, and when will this situation truly get better.  I also keep wondering what lessons I am suppose to learn throughout all of this.  Is it patience?  Is it how to truly love?  Is it being faithful?
    • Every smile is treasured.  Every kind word is appreciated.  Every wonderful moment is a reason to give thanks and hope for more to come even if some nights are filled full of awful rages.

      Wednesday, September 14, 2011

      Coincidence?

      The more I experience life the more I find myself moving away from the belief that there are just random coincidences that happen.  Random, surprising, wonderful, and awful things do happen, but what if it all happens for a reason?  Perhaps there truly are no coincidences after all.

      Tonight's weekly therapy appointment was hard.  The rage started immediately and lasted throughout the whole session. Luckily I had our gifted therapist guiding me through the tantrum, prompting me with the words to say and constantly steering me back to "it's okay".  Her voice of reason and reassuring eyes are always much appreciated after every parenting tip and technique has been tried, but failed miserably during a stormy fit.  It's through moments like these that I learn and grow from her advice and plethora of effective techniques to use.  Even though the appointments are typically exhausting I leave feeling like I've accomplished something and we're getting even closer to a different norm for our lives. 

      Anth is now tucked into bed and another night of calmness has settled into our home.  While checking my email I found a gem of a surprise --- an email from his therapist. 

      You are doing a GREAT JOB! I know it gets old to hear and sometimes does not feel that way, but you are AMAZING. I know our session was hard and appeared that he was not processing, but he was and will continue to do so!  Breathe, relax and repeat to yourself what you told him: you are kind, you are worthy of love, you are wanted, you are amazing, you are smart. Everything is NOT fine, but will be better.  

      I feel fortunate to work with someone who understands the symptoms/rages of RAD and is so willing to work with our family.  Not only does she take time to truly HELP and SHARE her knowledge she also takes time to send an encouraging and needed note.  After so many therapists and dead end therapy interventions for A, I'm choosing to believe that her presence in our life is not coincidence.  It's purposeful and feels almost tailor made to fit our needsWithout a doubt, it feels like we are on the right path and that so much good will blossom from these sessions in the long run. 

      I choose to believe it's not just coincidence when if feels so personal, so right.  I thank God instead.

      Monday, September 12, 2011

      What is Love?

      A thoughtful individual who sends a beautiful bouquet of flowers for all of my first days back to a new school year.  This colorful arrangement is celebrating #11.  Thank you, mom, for never missing a beat and always making me feel like I am so loved.

      Sunday, September 11, 2011

      Sucks like Shit

      In the spirit of the polite conversation that happens everyday all over the place....

      Hi, how are you?
      Good!  And how are you doing today?
      Great!

      I'm going to break the mold and just be real.

      Last week was a doosey to say the least.  By the time Wednesday rolled around I found myself visiting our favorite family doctor with these sharp stabbing pains underneath my rib cage that just wouldn't quit.  I couldn't get a complete breath without the pain sabotaging my air supply.  I couldn't sleep at night in a natural position, but rather needed to be propped up in order to keep the pain at bay.  I quickly found that teaching was near impossible.  The first week is all about ME.  It's high energy, it's lots of conversation and it's about getting 120 students quickly on Team Hanson so that the rest of the year they feel comfortable and want to be (and yes, LEARN!) in their English class.  However, all of that was really difficult with, once again, this stabbing, awful, never ceasing, enormous pain.
      Ugh.
      So by Wednesday I finally took the advice of my hubby and made an appointment.  When I described my condition over the phone I was sent back to the nurse's line and then promptly told that I needed to have someone drive me to the ER immediately.  However, I told the nurse politely that I couldn't do that because I had one block left to teach for the day.  Would it be okay if I just came in immediately after school gets out?

      Warning: Foreshadowing is happening here!   Clearly I have a problem.

      I quickly get to our great little clinic in town and describe all my symptoms to a very concerned looking nurse and then once again for our beloved family doctor.  We get to the point in the appointment where she asks me to hop up on the exam table and do the "just breath" exercises.  While she's finishing up she casually asks, "So how is Anthony doing?  Are you enjoying your first week back?"
      With those words came immediate tears --- a torrent flood of tears.  And then we talked.  The more we talked the more I cried.  The more I was honest the further I got from the cover of "I'm good.  How are you?".  When I really opened up and said some really hard stuff I saw our beloved family doctor cry too.  Not once.  Not twice.  But three times.  And she hugged me.  Not once.  Not twice.  But three times as well.  My honesty propelled her honesty and within that conversation the weight begin to lift and I came to a scary realization of what I had done to myself.

      This is the first year that I didn't want to go back to school at all.  AT ALL.  Although the summer was difficult at times I really enjoyed being able to be just Anthony's mom.  (By that I mean the mom that schedules everyday, does play therapy parenting, that brings him to his to weekly therapy, the one that has lost all sense of what just being a mom actually looks like.) Last Saturday night I couldn't sleep and I laid in bed thinking.  My thoughts quickly turned to all the things I wouldn't be able to do when the school year started, all the things I couldn't accomplish and all of my shortcomings of not getting everything accomplished this summer.  Then I started, unconsciously, making a list of my worries.  And I did this until I finally fell asleep that night.  My mind raced and my list continued to grow and became larger and larger.  When I woke up on Sunday I rolled over and immediately noticed the pain.  I immediately couldn't breath well laying on my back or my side so I thought that was my cue to get up.  So by 6:00 I was up and ready to tackle the to do list of the day.  However, I quickly became nauseated and found myself propping up a blanket and going back to bed until 10:30.  I woke up with a start and immediately felt guilty that I had dared to sleep in that late when there was so much to get done before school started and the boys came back from their weekend trip up north.  Shame on you, Tonja!  You need to clean, get prepared for the school year and on and on and on...

      Ugh.  By now your keen senses are telling you what I couldn't even see or begin to understand.  I still was clueless.

      So I spent the day finalizing the lesson plans that I had stayed up until 1:00 making the night before.  By lesson plans I mean every day mapped up in English through December.  There was a situation that had happened at work during the previous week and I eagerly agreed to help out by taking on a student teacher and then taking on extra responsibilities.  Yes and yes!  I did so by knowing that I was giving up my 1/2 day off on Thursday and the whole Friday off of workshop week to get all this extra stuff done.  I just wanted to make sure that I had everything in order so that the year would run smoothly in my class and could start smoothly in another.  Once again I started to see, though, all of the shortcomings of my planning.  I really wanted to do this and that; however, I took the easy way out by writing down a lot of what I have done in the past.  How is my teaching ever going to get better if I constantly do what I've done before?

      Fast forward to Wednesday's appointment.  It FINALLY hit me.

       WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING TO MYSELF? 
      WHEN DID I BECOME THIS PERSON?
      My doctor used words like perfection, anxiety, being too hard on myself, not being able to see the true picture of my life, etc.  The more we talked, the more I cried and the better I felt.  There would be no EKG required or a further investigation into the source of the pain.  At that moment I finally realized that I was the source.  I had morphed into an individual who, at that point, looked vastly different from the person I have always known.  I realized, crushingly, that all my stress and worries and noted shortcomings were physically making me ill and that I needed to take immediate steps to make sure I didn't continue down this destructive path.  
      So when she suggested anti-anxiety meds I said absolutely!  When she suggested talking to a therapist I agreed wholeheartedly.  I walked out of the clinic that day visibly feeling lighter and with the inability to get a full breath receding to a memory.

      Right now I am hoping that I woke up wide awake at 3:00 in the morning with this story forming in my head not because I truly am crazy, but because I am meant to share this story with others.  When it comes to mental health issues there is a definite stigma attached.  Some people don't view what can happen in the mind as significant as say having surgery to remove a diseased and defunct colon.  BUT IT IS!  I believe they are both damaging and both need to be treated.  Plus it is absolutely OKAY to talk about it, share with others and let people IN as you are trying to get back to a healthier you.
      I gladly type this with the spirit of telling you sometimes life sucks like shit.  (Not my phrase, my doctor's.  She challenged me to actually say that to people when something tough is going on or I'm not feeling my best.  Just be honest.)  I would never have thought to say that to anybody before because I am the smiley face collecting, B+, choosing your attitude, upbeat, full of energy teacher/mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter, but sometimes it might be the most appropriate thing to say.  I need to be real with no strings attached.  Somewhere along the line I've been losing that and myself.  I'll be real, but then worry about what others are thinking and then worry about what I need to do to be better.  It's a spiral journey down to nowhere.  I choose not to exist there.  Wednesday I climbed out of that way of thinking.  By Thursday the pain was gone and my mind felt less cluttered.  On Friday I got a needed validation from my amazed student teacher who wants me to teach her the layers of immediately forming an environment of learning where students are engaged and want to be there.

      The journey of being kinder to myself and giving the grace I extend to others onto myself is the path I am on.  The worries that hold me like a vise need to be pried away if I am going to life a healthy life.  I just need to be.  Exist.  Love.  Breath.  

      Tuesday, September 6, 2011

      Back to School

      One would have thought that Santa was arriving the next day with all the excitement and inability to fall asleep at our house last night.  The thought of starting another school year made for a restless night for the both of us.  Anthony was still awake way after 11:00.  When I went into his room he told me he was just too happy to fall asleep.  Luckily, going to school is still deemed as being fun.

      The best part of our going back to school day wasn't the sensory overload this morning, which resulted in the jacket being flung out the sliding glass door and taking over 25 minutes just to get dressed.  (Those DARN socks and the "stupid" new hoodie daddy bought this weekend!)  It happened the night before while the two of us rocked, prayed and spent a little snuggle time together.  I was opening up and sharing with him that I felt really excited, but nervous at the same time hoping I could touch on some of the same feelings he was having as well.  Anth immediately wanted to know why I would be nervous and I said that I'm worried I might not say the right thing or the students won't like me.  Again thinking that he might be feeling the same way inside.  It was the next thing he said that I was unprepared for.  It was one of those buckle your seat belt moments in life.  It was a statement that took my breath away and filled me with such incredible love ---- Anthony's love.  For me these moments are even more special because they are so very rare and they show me that all we're doing as Anthony's parents has a purpose and absolutely does matter.

      "Momma, don't be nervous about meeting your students tomorrow.  
      They'll love you just like I do."

      Unbelievable.  I had to write it down immediately so I wouldn't forget.



      Clearly I have a thing or two to learn from the budding photographer, Bubsa Boo.  The top picture is my attempt to capture his first day back while the bottom is his I-must-take-a-picture-of-your-first-day-too shot.  He nailed it while I got a shot of fuzziness.  I think a take two will be in order for tomorrow.  Just goes to show me once again that I have so much to learn from my little (big) boy!

      Here's to another great school year and more glimmers of hope.

      See How I've Grown!


      F-I-V-E

      The birthday shot
      I definitely was a little sad to see my Bubsa Boo turn five; however, I was reassured when Anthony made me a promise.  
      I can still hug him.
      I can still give him kisses.
      We can still read books together.
      Cuddling and rocking is okay when you're five.
      We can still go for bike rides, take trips to the library, go swimming on the weekends, and eat lots of popcorn at the movie theater.  
      Our little boy is definitely growing up faster than I could imagine, but it's nice to know he's still needing and wanting time with his momma.

      Birthday Party #2

      Anthony has fallen in love with the water and has really taken his swimming to a whole new level this summer.  It really came as no surprise when he wanted to have his birthday party at the "library pool" with his friends.  It was another fun, laid back party full of treats and too many times down the water slide to count!  Thank you to our great friends for taking time out to celebrate with us.

       What a card!
       Our water bug
       Emerson's daddy is so silly!
      The Becker-amily crew
      Miss Amalia - almost one
      Emers - three
      Andi - seven months
      Cam-a-roo - four
      Ry - five
      The Birthday Boy!
      Quinnie Pants - one month
      Adele and her baby - almost two

      Monday, September 5, 2011

      Hope.

      I love being surprised.  
      I love getting unexpected, thoughtful mail.



      A friend of a friend who has become my friend these past couple of years managed to do both of those things and completely make my day.  I love when the gestures of individuals completely blow you away and their thoughtfulness brings a positive feeling to the whole day. 
      Your message did indeed fill me with hope and continues to do so every time I take a peek at your thoughtful gift.  Thank you.

      Sneak Peek

      I am so glad that my sister - Manda's Shots - does A's photographs.
      Anthony has never been a sit down, pose, do this, do that kind of kid.
      He's a boy.
      He loves to be active.
      She just let's him be.
      They have fun, they laugh and through it all she gets fabulous shots.
      I cannot wait to see the rest!

      GR's Children's Museum


      Being that we live 2 1/2 hours away I always love when I can get some auntie time in when we go up north.  Fortunately I was able to spend some time with my VIBs (very important boys) and give my sister some much needed down time.  Grand Rapids has a great little children's museum that always keeps Anthony entertained so we decided to spend our morning playing the hours away. They enjoyed being in every room with the water table (no surprise!), fireman and music room being absolute favorites.

       A #1 as the Tin Man
       A #2 as the Lion
      (FYI: This would be another Anthony shot as I'm holding Ash up in the back!)



      Fun, fun, fun was had by all until the evil chairs caused Ash to take a spill and then Anth fell not once, but twice.  Needless to say, after a long duration of playing we left the museum in tears.  Darn slippery floor and naught chairs!

      Mr. & Mrs. Hummingbird

      Meet the Hummingbird Whisperer

      Okay. 
      That might be a stretch.

      It's really just my dad.

      I've never been an avid bird watcher; however, it would be impossible not to enjoy the various birds that inhabit my parents backyard with their various feeders.  The hummingbird population seems to continue to grow each year to the point that mom and dad now have two feeders that they need to replenish everyday.  There are many times you can be sitting at the table and looking out to see both feeders full of birds enjoying the sugary substance.  It really is a beautiful sight to see.



      Photographer?




      While at grammie's house Anth wanted to use my camera to capture some pictures too.  I think we have a budding photographer on our hands!

      Birthday Party #1


      It was decided that this year Anthony would have two birthday parties to celebrate turning FIVE.  The first one was up north with family.  Unfortunately, Grammie Kathy had foot surgery and was unable to leave the house.  So A and I went to visit her and open his gift before the party.


      Later on we met the rest of our family at Sammy's Pizza, which has become A's favorite restaurant.  It was a laid back, fun night of pizza, gifts, cake and conversation.  (Unfortunately, all of my camera batteries died so there are few pictures that captured the evening.)


      After the pizza came the best part that A was so looking forward to.  Along with Uncle Damon, Auntie Manda and Asher we went to the Demolition Derbies at the fairground.  Anthony thoroughly enjoyed watching the cars smash up and picking which car would make it to the very end. 

      Itasca County Fair




      In August Anthony and I went up north for a long weekend (daddy joined us after work on Friday) so that we could spend an entire day with the Arlts at their house and at the fair.  It was a great day with the only downfall being that the Paulsruds weren't able to join us for the fair this year.  (I missed you, Mol!)  Even though Anth was super tired he enjoyed going on multiple rides (got to take advantage of grammie buying a wrist band!) and spending time with his two up north pals.  It was great to spend time with Rach and the kids as well as have a surprise run in with the Davis family too! 




      Modern Day Love



      Mark absolutely will not want this picture and writing posted on the blog, but I truly couldn't resist.  I heard the vacuum going in the garage and peeked out to find him cleaning out our disaster of a van.  After a summer of camping, parades, multiple trips up north, weekly therapy appointments, trips to the pool, various county fairs, etc the spaceship was a disaster.  More often than not I find it's the little, mundane things that really matter.  Every time Mark does something like this or folds a load of clothes, mows the lawn, washes dishes, cleans up Anthony's room, goes grocery shopping I feel his genuine love for me and our little family.  That modern day love (thank you so much for the accurate term, WJF!) will always mean more to me than flowers and poetry. 

      A Perfect Friday Evening


      It's time to play end-of-the-summer catch-up in the blog department!  Looking back on those beautiful summer days there were so many highlights.  We were fortunate to have another wonderful summer of family, friends and fun.  A definite highlight was attending Michael's (aka Monster Mike!) gig on a beautiful Friday evening by the lake in Annandale.  We have always known that Michael is a fabulous choir teacher (I'm still sad Becker lost him a few years ago...) as well as a gifted musician.  It was great to see him in a different setting with three other talented guys making absolutely beautiful music.  Even Anthony was completely entertained and at times started singing & dancing too.  It was surprising as we drove home that our favorite song of the evening was the same - an amazing, completely blow-you-away rendition of Hallelujah.


      Monster Mike and Lola
      Thank you friends for another delightful summer evening
      that will be remembered even when the chill of fall/winter sets in.

      Wednesday, August 31, 2011

      A blessing cannot be kept

      I am behind --- WEEKS behind.
      I keep thinking about blogging, but then find myself at the pool or on a bike ride or doing something else to soak up those precious final days of summer vacation. And now I just completed my third, busy, meeting filled, paperwork overload, back-to-school workshop day. It feels like I'll now be forever busy and never get a chance to update and write about our family's happenings!  Believe me there is plenty to say!  There are tons to pictures to share...A's 5th birthday parties up north and at the "library pool"...end of the summer stories...  Everything continues to stack up and is waiting to be published.
      Eventually everything will be published.
      Perhaps this Labor Day weekend in between planning out the entire year's curriculum?
      Maybe when this horrible root canal ceases in it's torment?
      Soon.  I promise.

      Until then I feel compelled to share something I read days ago that I continue to think about each day.  I often talk about my (completely genuine) feelings of being thankful, appreciative, and blessed in my life.  It should come as no surprise that I read something titled "You are so blessed" and felt compelled to share what I cannot stop thinking about.


      If you are feeling blessed, repay the blessings bestowed unto you and do something for others.


      A blessing cannot be kept.  If it stops with you, then the blessing will disappear.  The blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around.  If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people. 


      Reading this was a good reminder to be more than just thankful.  I need to continue to recognize the blessings in all situations in my life and to always remember to give back that feeling of good, love, gratitude, kindness, acceptance, joy, laughter (etc, etc, etc) to others. That's why I smile even when I want to be gobbling down the percocet for this darn tooth!

      I hope you are feeling loved & appreciated, giving thanks & then finding ways to give it away to those around you!  

      Saturday, August 13, 2011

      LOVE!


      Looks like Ms. Hanson is going back to school 
      with a little (nerdy Scrabble) style (that's totally ME!) thanks to WJF and Etsy!
      This almost makes me excited to go back in two weeks...

      The Journey

      Thursday morning while walking out the door I spotted this perfect, sidewalk chalk hand print of Anthony's in light blue barely dusting the surface of the wall.  Immediately I smiled and laughed out loud.  Anthony even stopped to ask why I was being so happy (and perhaps just being downright weird).

      I know many moms might see that hand print and get upset at the mess or immediately want to scrub it off.  Three days later the chalky print still remains and I cannot help but feel happy that it's there.  It's a tangible reminder of the little boy who lives here and who has forever made an impression on my heart regardless of all that has happened and all that will continue to happen in the future.

      While at our weekly horse therapy appointment his therapist was pointing out definite changes since we started working together back in June.  After she told me that I realized she was absolutely right.  Too many times I'm praying and hoping for the "big picture" to change that I miss the little things.  It was a great reminder.  Progress has been made and is continuing to be made each and every day that we're together.  I know in my heart that someday all of the reading of books, RAD workshops, therapy sessions and time spent together as a family will matter.  I feel strongly that a heart that has been hurt can be healed --- it just takes time.


      The Journey

      One day you finally knew
      what you had to do, and began,
      though the voices around you
      kept shouting
      their bad advice --
      though the whole house
      began to tremble
      and you felt the old tug
      at your ankles.
      "Mend my life!"
      each voice cried.
      But you didn't stop.
      You knew what you had to do,
      though the wind pried
      with its stiff fingers
      at the very foundations,
      though their melancholy
      was terrible.
      It was already late
      enough, and a wild night,
      and the road full of fallen
      branches and stones.
      But little by little,
      as you left their voices behind,
      the stars began to burn
      through the sheets of clouds,
      and there was a new voice
      which you slowly
      recognized as your own,
      that kept you company
      as you strode deeper and deeper
      into the world,
      determined to do
      the only thing you could do --
      determined to save
      the only life you could save. 

      Mary Oliver

      Friday, August 12, 2011

      Mom's Little Helper

      Yesterday we put on our aprons (thanks auntie!), got out the mixer and whipped up a new recipe of homemade brownies.




      Unfortunately, they were the worst brownies I had ever tasted.  Mark agreed.  Only Anth disagreed for whatever reason.  The recipe has now been thrown away and the brownies will likely go next.  At least I got some pictures of my cutie patootie assistant baker to enjoy!

      Tall Timber Days

      Heading up north in the summer time is always wonderful even when the drive home always looks like this around Mille Lacs Lake.



      All of the inch by inch, stop and go action is bearable because of the opportunity to spend time with our families in DR/GR.  Last weekend Anth and I head up to see my mom who was recovering from foot surgery and then spend the rest of the time in GR for Tall Timber Days.  The best was Sunday's parade that last an hour and a half on a splendid and much cooler than usual day.  Even though this was our third parade of the summer and we really did not need any more candy, I'm so glad we went.  Maybe we were saving the best for last?!

      It was great because Anthony got to spend even more time with 
      Grammie Carol and Papa Marv!

       There was a real life fireman walking around...

      as well as Ronald McDonald 
      (a pirate, roller derby girls, a "green man", Shriners motorcycles and go carts too)!

      But none of those things were as good as hearing Papa Marv use his voice to let a certain elected official know what he thought of her recent decisions!  He even got a whole handful of candy from another elected official that he never voted for back in November!  Our future Shriners Club, motorcycle-riding-in-parades papa sure had us laughing! 

      The best part for me was watching Anthony proudly waving "our flag" to all the floats while sitting on the curb by his loved cousin, auntie and uncle knowing that these days of summer and being with family are an absolute gift.

      This smile (and mouth full of as much candy as he could shove in without mom seeing it) says it all and makes the trip up and back always worth it.