I like that resolution means finding a solution to a problem; I dislike the fact that most of my previous New Year's Resolutions ended up discarded and forgotten before I could turn the calendar to February. Therefore, this year I have made no resolutions in the champagne toasting/kissing at midnight way. Instead, hopefully, I have done something more powerful. My resolution this year involves my family and starting to be honest with those that truly care about The Hanson Hat Trick. I am filled with hope, consumed in prayer and opening up to those around us as we enter into a new year.
If I were to rate myself as a parent I know it wouldn't be higher than a C-. In fact two weeks ago I had to do just that and I circled the response for "average". Don't get me wrong. I absolutely, 100% LOVE being Anthony's mommy and Mark's teammate when it comes to parenting. Anthony is the greatest gift we have ever received. However, life at our house isn't always easy and it certainly doesn't look like the families we surround ourselves with. Every morning I pray for patience and the ability to be the mom Anthony truly needs; every night I am consumed with guilt that I have failed once again.
For those of you who truly know me you know that I am basically an open book. I enjoy sharing all aspects of my life and having relationships with others who are able to share the most intimate details as well. That is how I feel close and connected with others. These past few months, though, I have struggled with opening up and sharing how I was feeling as well as what was happening. I didn't want to sound too negative and I also didn't want our family blog to become a journal where I dump all of my emotional baggage. I realized, though, that the individuals who check our blog consistently are the ones who truly care. A wonderful friend called to chat recently and wanted to know what we had been up to. When I told her to look at the blog she quickly pointed out that I omit all of the hard stuff and just post the fun events. She was absolutely right.
Therefore I am opening up and sharing the "hard stuff" in hopes that you will continue to love and support us as well as pray for our family. We truly need all three.
Our journey started the moment Anthony came home; however, problems started to arise and last March I finally decided to do something about it. I called our family doctor with concerns regarding Anthony's behavior. I was told something along the lines that he's two and they were not concerned about any behaviors until a child reaches the age of three. (Got to love the "boys will be boys" philosophy). I asked if the clinic could refer us to a parenting class, but there was none. Even though I was reaching out there was no help. We just kept plugging along...
Between March and August Anthony's behaviors (a whirlwind of hyperactivity and rage --- hitting, screaming, and overall just being naughty) escalated until June when the heartbreaking comment came out of him. Whenever he would get upset he would tell me to leave. He would follow that up with "Mommies always leave anyway." It was painful to hear that and have no explanation as to what was going on with him. My gut was screaming RED LIGHT, but once again there was no help.
It was frustrating to no end that our doctor wouldn't listen to us until his three year well child visit in August. After giving her the details of his comments and behavior (most of his anger was just directed at me) and reminding her of the fact he was adopted when he was 18 months old she finally jumped into action. Anthony was referred to a behavior specialist in St. Cloud who quickly referred us to an attachment center in Deephaven. Finally in November we starting getting some answers through weekly therapy. Through individual and family therapy our therapist saw many of the behaviors we see on a daily basis and was able to put a label on it --- Reactive Attachment Disorder.
What is RAD? We honestly had never heard of it, but as we dug deeper it became clear this was definitely our Bubsa Bo.
What is RAD? We honestly had never heard of it, but as we dug deeper it became clear this was definitely our Bubsa Bo.
Typical Family Profile with a RAD child:
The Child: Seems happy, charming, polite, and enjoyable toward others outside the home but is often uncontrollable inside the home. *Anthony has a sensitivity to rejection and to disruptions in the normally attuned connection between mother and child.
(YES! This was exactly the case. Initially our parents were shocked when we were describing what was happening on a daily basis. Some friends of ours had and still have the same reaction. They believe nothing is wrong; that we're over reacting. He's just a three year old boy. For me, this has probably been one of the hardest reactions to deal with.)
The Father: Seems perplexed or concerned because he doesn't know if his wife or his child has created the problems and conflicts in the family.
(Mark definitely was just as perplexed and frustrated as I was; however, we both knew this was all stemming from his adoption and having three different placements in his short life.)
The Mother: Feels frustrated, depressed, angry, and tired.
(BINGO! After months of hearing "I not like you, momma" as well as several other phrases on a daily basis I found my lowest point earlier this winter. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get out of my "funk". Finally in December our therapist said, "One of the most isolating experiences in life is to be rejected by your own child." She nailed exactly how I had been feeling for so many months and I once again became a fountain of tears.)
So what does our daily life truly look like? What are the problem areas for Anthony?
Anthony has a lot of anxiety and change is hard for him to deal with. Throughout the day we are constantly setting the timer per his request. He needs a timer before nap/bedtime, bath time, and even, sometimes, to know when he can get down from the dinner table. Finding out that (1) change is hard and that (2) the timer works has been a lifesaver.
Anthony also has a lot of rage/violence in his tiny three year old frame. Typically he will get mad when you have to discipline or say no; however, the scarier times is when he hits or says something mean for no reason whatsoever at all. His anger used to be only directed at me and, for the most part, it still is. However, Mark has felt his wrath as well as, unfortunately, others in our lives. Our therapist believes a lot of this behavior is connected to a Sensory Processing Disorder. We got an evaluation completed two weeks ago and Anthony did qualify in the area of proprioceptive. Hopefully our weekly therapy that will start this Wednesday will help with his need to hit and give us more ideas of how to work with him.
One of the hardest issues to deal with is his sleep disturbances. Starting in December bedtime became a two to four hour process every night. Night time is the hardest time for him because of all of his fears. He's afraid of the dark, afraid we'll leave and won't come back, afraid to be alone, etc. Some nights we can get him to sleep, but then he'll wake up throughout the night. One night last week he was up more than ten times throughout the night and I found him wide awake and playing with toys at 3:30 in the morning. I wish he was old enough to truly express his feelings and fears; I wish I knew what happens in his mind when he closes his eyes.
Overall, that's the major problem. He just isn't able to express himself and how he feels about everything that has happened in his short life. We are tackling a pretty severe belief system in his young mind. For example, everyday that I drop him off at daycare he now clings to me. (That's good in terms of attachment, but still heartbreaking for me because I know what he's thinking.) Now sometimes as soon as he wakes up in the morning he needs the reassurance that I will come back to get him after I'm done with work and he questions this as we get ready, while we're driving and when we get to Renae's house. Everyday I remind him that his parents are good, they love him and they ALWAYS come back. Hopefully if I keep saying it he'll start to tear down his original belief system and start truly believing it too.
Slowly I have been opening up and sharing these intimate details of our life. I find the more I share and connect with others the stronger I feel even if they don't complete understand what we're going through. I truly believe being rejected by one you love so much is an isolating experience, but I no longer want to feed into that isolation by cutting myself off from others. My biggest hope is that everyone who reads this post will not feel sorry for us and everything we're going through, but rather will spend some time praying and sending positive thoughts our way. Even though 2009 was a hard year for our family, there were so many positives to be thankful for everyday as we parent our beautiful little boy. I ended the year with back-to-back, unsolicited "I love you, mommy". Even though those words took almost two years to come out of his mouth, I was beyond elated and renewed with hope. I truly believe LOVE will conquer ALL. I have hope that Anthony will grow up knowing he is good, he is worthy of love and this his parents truly love him to the moon and back and will do anything to make sure he's healthy and happy.
Here's to a hopeful and healing 2010!
The Child: Seems happy, charming, polite, and enjoyable toward others outside the home but is often uncontrollable inside the home. *Anthony has a sensitivity to rejection and to disruptions in the normally attuned connection between mother and child.
(YES! This was exactly the case. Initially our parents were shocked when we were describing what was happening on a daily basis. Some friends of ours had and still have the same reaction. They believe nothing is wrong; that we're over reacting. He's just a three year old boy. For me, this has probably been one of the hardest reactions to deal with.)
The Father: Seems perplexed or concerned because he doesn't know if his wife or his child has created the problems and conflicts in the family.
(Mark definitely was just as perplexed and frustrated as I was; however, we both knew this was all stemming from his adoption and having three different placements in his short life.)
The Mother: Feels frustrated, depressed, angry, and tired.
(BINGO! After months of hearing "I not like you, momma" as well as several other phrases on a daily basis I found my lowest point earlier this winter. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get out of my "funk". Finally in December our therapist said, "One of the most isolating experiences in life is to be rejected by your own child." She nailed exactly how I had been feeling for so many months and I once again became a fountain of tears.)
So what does our daily life truly look like? What are the problem areas for Anthony?
Anthony has a lot of anxiety and change is hard for him to deal with. Throughout the day we are constantly setting the timer per his request. He needs a timer before nap/bedtime, bath time, and even, sometimes, to know when he can get down from the dinner table. Finding out that (1) change is hard and that (2) the timer works has been a lifesaver.
Anthony also has a lot of rage/violence in his tiny three year old frame. Typically he will get mad when you have to discipline or say no; however, the scarier times is when he hits or says something mean for no reason whatsoever at all. His anger used to be only directed at me and, for the most part, it still is. However, Mark has felt his wrath as well as, unfortunately, others in our lives. Our therapist believes a lot of this behavior is connected to a Sensory Processing Disorder. We got an evaluation completed two weeks ago and Anthony did qualify in the area of proprioceptive. Hopefully our weekly therapy that will start this Wednesday will help with his need to hit and give us more ideas of how to work with him.
One of the hardest issues to deal with is his sleep disturbances. Starting in December bedtime became a two to four hour process every night. Night time is the hardest time for him because of all of his fears. He's afraid of the dark, afraid we'll leave and won't come back, afraid to be alone, etc. Some nights we can get him to sleep, but then he'll wake up throughout the night. One night last week he was up more than ten times throughout the night and I found him wide awake and playing with toys at 3:30 in the morning. I wish he was old enough to truly express his feelings and fears; I wish I knew what happens in his mind when he closes his eyes.
Overall, that's the major problem. He just isn't able to express himself and how he feels about everything that has happened in his short life. We are tackling a pretty severe belief system in his young mind. For example, everyday that I drop him off at daycare he now clings to me. (That's good in terms of attachment, but still heartbreaking for me because I know what he's thinking.) Now sometimes as soon as he wakes up in the morning he needs the reassurance that I will come back to get him after I'm done with work and he questions this as we get ready, while we're driving and when we get to Renae's house. Everyday I remind him that his parents are good, they love him and they ALWAYS come back. Hopefully if I keep saying it he'll start to tear down his original belief system and start truly believing it too.
Slowly I have been opening up and sharing these intimate details of our life. I find the more I share and connect with others the stronger I feel even if they don't complete understand what we're going through. I truly believe being rejected by one you love so much is an isolating experience, but I no longer want to feed into that isolation by cutting myself off from others. My biggest hope is that everyone who reads this post will not feel sorry for us and everything we're going through, but rather will spend some time praying and sending positive thoughts our way. Even though 2009 was a hard year for our family, there were so many positives to be thankful for everyday as we parent our beautiful little boy. I ended the year with back-to-back, unsolicited "I love you, mommy". Even though those words took almost two years to come out of his mouth, I was beyond elated and renewed with hope. I truly believe LOVE will conquer ALL. I have hope that Anthony will grow up knowing he is good, he is worthy of love and this his parents truly love him to the moon and back and will do anything to make sure he's healthy and happy.
Here's to a hopeful and healing 2010!
8 comments:
As always, very well written. Anthony is in the best place for him right now, I cannot think of two parents with more patience and love for a little boy. I admire your ability not to throw yourself a nightly pity party, or if you need to I'll always be here to chat and listen!
Tonja, I am so impressed. Sharing the things that means the most,being vulnerable, is so difficult.
Love you seestah.... You guys are in my thoughts a lot :) see you soon. :)
You are amazing parents because you're doing everything you can do for your baby... exactly why he was place in your arms! Know that you are all in my prayers and I'm always here for you! Love You! :)
Good for you, Tonnie, for being willing to open up and reach out. I'm sure you'll find that makes a huge difference in your ability to cope and feel good about the little things. You have done everything you need to do to get some resources and help for Anthony, so know that you ARE being a good, loving mommy and you're doing the best for him! Best of luck - I look forward to hearing about his progress. I love you!
I'm so proud of you, Ton- for a million and one reasons... but right now for this post. You are SO much more than average. :)
Being a parent is THE toughest job we know of, and the two of you have welcomed it with open arms. We applaud you. Please don't ever think you are alone, we all have struggles both big and small with our child/children. You are in our prayers as you work at bringing more peace into your home....you can do it!!!
Sorry for the very late response! Bravo, my friend! Hopefully opening up and sharing this experience has broadened your support network and helped to dull the isolation. Parenting in general is mindnumbingly difficult. Resist the urge to judge your own circumstances by the blogs of others. We all know that what hits the blog are the 2% highlights. Real life is contained in the photos that hit the cutting room floor. While not struggling with your exact issues, I too, am struggling with the balance between showing the Bain Train Highlight Reel and real life. Good for you for choosing real life.
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