FINALLY we were buckled in the van,
our smiles were packed and we were ready to go.
our smiles were packed and we were ready to go.
As we were backing out of the garage I heard the sweetest words:
"Momma, I love you."
Immediately, I stopped our spaceship and major tears formed in my eyes. This momma has only heard this come out of her beautiful boy's mouth, unprompted and unsolicited, two other times in the past three years. To hear it again and see the beaming smile on his face felt absolutely wonderful."Momma, I love you."
It made my day!
That being said, last night before bed was awful. He was calling daddy mean names and hitting me; throughout all of this he was smiling and feeling no remorse that his actions were hurting others. There were lots of tears and once again I went into my Supernanny/Nanny 911 role as a mom, which is exhausting and frustrating, but, I believe, needed. When he finally calmed down we were able to snuggle together before bed and talk. As always, this four and a half year old astounds me with his thought process.
M: Do you know that momma and daddy love you?
A: shakes his head yes
M: Do you know that we would never leave you --- that families stay together?
A: blank stare
M: Are you worried that momma and daddy will leave someday?
A: slowly shakes his head yes
M: Have you been hurt and left behind before?
A: shakes his head yes
Even though it's been three years of being a family it's clear that Anthony harbors a lot of pain and worries. I believe it's those pain and worries that cause him to lash out and do things to us that he really doesn't want to do. His brain is wired to expect a certain outcome even though the situation around him has changed.
I called Mark into the bedroom and together we reassured A and let him know that our intentions are to always love him and always be together as a family. Regardless of what happens, we will be there. Our love and devotion will persist. We won't give up.
All of that reassurance helped him to become completely calm so he could "melt" into my arms and drift off to sleep in a peaceful manner. As A slept I continued to rock him and give thanks. It would be easy to have the bad overshadow the good. It would be easy to forget about the I love you in the morning and be filled with frustration with how the day ended. Instead I gave thanks for another day of being a family, for another sweet I love you to keep this momma going and for the hope that is building inside of me.
That being said, last night before bed was awful. He was calling daddy mean names and hitting me; throughout all of this he was smiling and feeling no remorse that his actions were hurting others. There were lots of tears and once again I went into my Supernanny/Nanny 911 role as a mom, which is exhausting and frustrating, but, I believe, needed. When he finally calmed down we were able to snuggle together before bed and talk. As always, this four and a half year old astounds me with his thought process.
M: Do you know that momma and daddy love you?
A: shakes his head yes
M: Do you know that we would never leave you --- that families stay together?
A: blank stare
M: Are you worried that momma and daddy will leave someday?
A: slowly shakes his head yes
M: Have you been hurt and left behind before?
A: shakes his head yes
Even though it's been three years of being a family it's clear that Anthony harbors a lot of pain and worries. I believe it's those pain and worries that cause him to lash out and do things to us that he really doesn't want to do. His brain is wired to expect a certain outcome even though the situation around him has changed.
I called Mark into the bedroom and together we reassured A and let him know that our intentions are to always love him and always be together as a family. Regardless of what happens, we will be there. Our love and devotion will persist. We won't give up.
All of that reassurance helped him to become completely calm so he could "melt" into my arms and drift off to sleep in a peaceful manner. As A slept I continued to rock him and give thanks. It would be easy to have the bad overshadow the good. It would be easy to forget about the I love you in the morning and be filled with frustration with how the day ended. Instead I gave thanks for another day of being a family, for another sweet I love you to keep this momma going and for the hope that is building inside of me.
Everyday matters.
Every I love you is a gift.
Every I love you is a gift.
Yesterday was a good reminder that even though
chaos still lingers
there's so much hope and promise too.
chaos still lingers
there's so much hope and promise too.
6 comments:
*wiping tears* Beautifully written, Tonja! One of your best yet! A is a lucky boy to have such patient and loving parents!
thank God above for answering our prayers...His little mind is so confused yet, be a small voice that will say God isn't finished here yet.. I love you and pray for more good days ahead.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all.
-Emily Dickinson
Have I told you what an amazing family you have lately? Love this memory!
You and Mark continually amaze me with your strength, devotion and positive attitude.
Your stories break my heart, yet you amaze and inspire me constantly. Anthony is so lucky to have you & Mark for parents. His heart and soul need you every day. I think of you often & love you so much.
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