Shame on me

Over two weeks ago I came across this picture and started to think about the man who died before my fifth birthday.  

Papa Johnson.

I realized the day he died was only a few days away and I began thinking about the man who I faintly remember.  All I have are bits and pieces of him tucked away in my memory.

Opening my eyes while praying and watching him.

Sitting behind the house on tree stumps sharpening knives.

Swimming in Deer Lake with Erik while Papa and Grandma watched on.

Buying oxygen tanks with dad.

Leaving his funeral and asking dad why he didn't cry.

Almost three decades have passed since his death and I still yearn to know the man my grandpa was in life.  I yearn for a relationship that was cut short and wish we could have had more time.

Then life slapped me in the face.

And I realized something.  Something important.

My paternal cousin, Krista, passed away unexpectedly 29 years and one day after our Papa passed.  Her death was a complete surprise and such a sad ending to a short, meaningful life.

Upon hearing the news, I immediately started to think about my younger cousin.  She had the best laugh and a gorgeous smile. After that I drew a blank.  It had been years since the two of us and our families had spent time together.  I sadly realized that I no longer knew the 30 year old woman she had grown into.

I started wishing that I could have had more time to get to know her, reconnect, build a relationship like cousins should have.

It was then that it hit me.  I was once again wishing for a chance to get to know someone; however, it didn't matter that I had the extra time to do so.  Instead of taking advantage of it, I wasted it away and now I will never know either of them.

This thought of procrastination and being too busy with day-to-day life to truly care about a family member hit me hard.  

I should have taken the time.

I should have cared more.

I should have risen above our families differences.

Why did I let so many years pass?

Why didn't I make an effort?

Shame on me.

It was during Krista's funeral that I truly got to know my cousin and I completely fell in love.  We would have gotten along really well.  Her character shined everyday and she continued to make a difference regardless of her "deal" in the game of life.  The message that was shared that beautiful warm day has stuck with me.  My hope is that her love and zest for life can shine brightly in me and I can stop putting off the things that really matter in life --- loving the individuals in it and making a difference each and everyday.

Don't procrastinate

Continue to give to others and persevere even through life's challenges

We don't get to judge what's fair or unfair

Be sure to always say I love you, always give a hug, a kiss and share the love you feel for others

Live life with a joy in your heart

Make a difference

A handicap is only as debilitating as you let it be

Goodbye, Krista.  I'm so glad that Papa and Grandma J are both in heaven to meet you and give you a warm, welcoming hug.  I promise your JOY will live on.