Juxtaposed

Yesterday I was emotionally trapped between being extremely disappointed and completely happy.

The disappointment came right away when I realized that after seventh months of waiting all the testing was going to cover was Anthony’s cognitive ability.

Throughout the long testing process Anthony behaved himself so well.  For the first 90 minutes he was super focused and only got a few questions wrong.  (However, I didn’t expect him to be able to identify #56 and #73).  He was completely different than a year ago when we did preschool screening and then testing for the special education program.  He wasn’t on top of any tables.  He didn’t pick up materials and chuck them across the room.  He sat in his chair without getting out a bunch of times because his attention got focused on something else. 

Yesterday I visually saw how much he has changed behavior-wise over this past year and it was wonderful.

I was told that testing for a mental heath disorder cannot be done until Anthony is older.  I’ve heard that before.  When he was two I was told that “boys will be boys” and we don’t do anything until a child reaches the age of three.  Now that he’s four and a half I’m being told we really can’t do anything until he’s six or older.

Isn’t early intervention key to the success of an individual?

Yesterday I heard the famous words that Mark and I are doing an amazing job creating a stable, healthy and structured environment for A.  The doctor also praised us for the treatment/therapy we have sought out and our continued persistence in helping our son.

Ugh.

I want to find someone who will stop telling us how good we are doing and start telling us what we need to be doing.  I want someone to see our everyday life and come up with an effective solution.  I want someone to care just as much as we do about Anthony and work their hardest in helping him to heal.

The session ended with the knowledge that Anthony is a smart little guy.  He knew his numbers, letters (more than I even thought!), shapes, prepositions, etc.   The plan is to meet when all of the testing is tabulated and come up with a plan.  He could receive further testing, if they deem it necessary, for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as well as Post-Trauma Stress Disorder (PTSD).

No real answers, though.

The best part of the whole day came right after the appointment.  I’m thankful I made the decision that A and I would take the entire day off and spend some mommy and son time together.  It was such a delight.

First we went to Dunham’s and bought an awesome must have summer item – a co-pilot bike trailer – so A and I can go on bike rides together.  Anthony was smiling, helping me push the cart and even found a gift that he insisted daddy would like.

Then we went to visit Geoffrey the Giraffe’s store.  Typically Toys R Us is overwhelming and he wants everything.  We were there for a good 45 minutes and he decided on another transformer.  He was skipping in the halls, holding my hand and getting so excited to show me all of the treasures he was finding.

Pressing my luck, I decided to take a trip to Old Navy.  I actually SHOPPED the sales racks and was able to TRY ON different items while Anthony sat patiently in the cart playing.  No screaming.  No yelling.  Amazing.

Finally we made our way to Sammy’s Pizza for the lunch buffet.  It was there that the sweetest scene happened that I hope will be forever engraved into my mind.  As I was getting his food at the buffet I could see directly to our table.  As I looked up and caught his eye he beamed.  He gave me a huge wave and then kept tapping his nose to signal I love you. 

It was the most wonderful site. 

Pure momma happiness.

He fell asleep on the ride home and when he woke up from his nap a few hours later the morning was forgotten.   He was mad.  He was angry.  He wanted nothing to do with his momma.  The Anthony who hurts, who we so desperately want to help, was back. 

All happiness was gone. 

The Hurt lingered the rest of the night and continued to lash out. 

I’m learning more and more that when it comes to matters of the heart and emotional well being the process of healing is much more difficult.  It would be easier to have a physical aliment, like my colon issues, and have surgery to remove the disease.  It’s hard to fight against something that is invisible and unknown by so many.

Last night was painful.

Last night I felt desperate.

Today is a new day with a new round of phone calls to be made.

Someone, somewhere will know how to help him, help us.