Bike Love

My first bike was red with a white banana seat and a plastic, white woven basket with a flower adorned on it attached to the handle bars. I remember the day my dad took off the training wheels and I made it all the way to the corner of our driveway before I took a spill. It was on that bike not only did I learn to ride, but experienced freedom. (Or as much as a youngster can living out in the country.) I proudly cruised Oteneagen Road, went on family bike rides, rode over with Erik to Granny's house and met up with my Girl Scout friend, Erin, at the end of the tarred road.
As I grew older I dreamed of having a new bike.
I remember scouring the Jurvelin's Hardware Hank ads looking for the perfect one. When I found it I became completely obsessed.
It was way better than Erik's must have BMX bike for jumps and performing those extreme Mountain Dew commercials and my old red one.

It was beautiful.
I knew I had to have it.
The bike I loved was powder pink with gray and had the coolest, curled handle bars. It was a ten speed and a huge leap up from the red banana seat bike. It was almost if I could claim being an official teenager with a bike like that.
Like I said, once I saw it I became obsessed and started the negotiation process with my parents. I don't remember how long this took, but I do remember sleeping with the Hardware Hank ad and dreaming of this bike.
One day I came home and my dad asked me to go check in the back of his truck. Of course I was instantly annoyed and didn't want to. I protested for awhile, but then reluctantly went back outside. My annoyance quickly turned into joy when I saw my new bike waiting for me.

Now I'm 32 and have been without a bike for years. It's probably been a good decade since I've even hopped on a bike and let the wind blow through my hair. The last bike trip I can concretely remember is from our high school's senior skip day when two great girlfriends and I opted not to drink, but rather ride the trail by the mine pits in Grand Rapids. Mark and I have talked about getting bikes, but nothing has ever transpired.
All of that changed for me this year, though. Anthony has been in love with his trike and gave little attention to his Lightning McQueen bike he got for his birthday until this spring. Now he likes to ride it and is doing a great job biking to the park or around the block. Mark ended up fixing his old college mountain bike and A and I took our first trip around town (okay, just a few blocks) a couple days ago. Needless to say, I was in love with biking once again and Anthony thought it was so cool that we went for a "long" ride. I love the idea that it is something else that we can positively do together as we continue to work on being a family.
Unbeknownst to me, Mark started looking on Craig's List to find me my own bike. Yesterday he let me know that while we were at swimming lessons he was going to go over to Zimmerman to check out a used mountain bike. Shortly after we got home Mark arrived and pulled out a brand new (well to me that is) bike.
I was giddy!
It was just what I wanted!
Immediately I hopped on and took it for a ride around our side of town and fell in love with it. Some times it's difficult to shift into gear and it makes some strange noises, but I think that makes it even better. This bike has a history, a story just like me.
It's absolutely great.

I thanked Mark repeatedly and last night before he went to bed I thanked him once again.
His reaction?
Tonja, it's just a used $35.00 bike.
Clearly he doesn't see what I see. It goes way beyond the bike. This was another way he actively shows me how much he cares. When you love someone you want to give them the things they desire whether it's a brand new ten speed or a used mountain bike. I think my dad would be pleased to know that the love he started as the main man in my life has continued on in my adult married life. Last night I was wrapped up in all of that love and feeling fortunate to be married to not just any guy, but my guy.

The Strawberry Patch

On Friday we visited a local farm in Monticello with the Feierabend Fam (thanks for the invite once again!) to pick fresh strawberries. The experience was fun, cheap and it didn't take long at all to fill up our buckets. The berries are delicious and ready to be harvested.
Today A and I visited another local farm to pick strawberries once again with the intent to freeze and save for yummy future desserts. I was bummed to find it was closed, but Anthony was just beside himself in the back seat.
Don't they know I want to pick strawberries, Momma?
I really think it was more about the "quality control", aka eating rather than picking, but he was still upset. The whining over strawberries made me smile. (Yes, whining made me smile. Amazing, huh?!) I was glad that he had fun doing this and wanted to experience it once again.
Looks like tomorrow we'll be heading back to the Strawberry Basket.

Dedicated to Ivan

Ten years ago, right after college, I was hit hard with chronic ulcerative colitis. For a large portion of time I dealt with weight gain and weight loss as different doctors tried different medication to curb the constant flare ups. Along with the flare ups came the constant need to go to the bathroom as well as a difficulty with eating a variety of foods and severe stomach pain. There were many trips to the hospital and different procedures that were done. Ultimately after years of trying to medicate it was decided the best route would be to remove the diseased large intestine and create a J-Pouch with my small intestine.
Although the recovery was tough and there were lots of unexpected road blocks, I hoped for results right away, but that didn't happen.
I still struggled.
It was hard to eat certain foods.
I continued to have "issues" with going to the bathroom.
The pain, although subdued, was still there.
Now, six years after surgery, I am so thankful I decided to remove my colon and create this J-Pouch. My quality of life has improved immensely and the "things" I deal with on a day to day basis are pretty minor in comparison.
It could always be so much worse and God never gives you more than you can handle! These are my daily mantras and have been from the very beginning.
All of this reminiscing brings me to the present.
Today I finished my last round, out of four, of Venofer, which is an iron sucrose infusion that helps boost my iron deficiency anemia. (This would be one of the lingering side effects of the disease.) This is the third time in a number of years that I've had to do this and once again I found myself being thankful for so many reasons.
My view on life became better when I became sick. I always say that getting diagnosed with colitis was one of the best things to ever happen to me and I still believe that. Everyday truly is a gift and there are so many beautiful moments if you are willing to just see them. Now I don't let a day pass without being thankful --- for family, for friends, my job, our home, the orange flowers in our yard, laughing together while watching AFV, a walk, a conversation, a smile. No matter how big or small an act may be I'm filled with gratitude and love. Some love this about me while others think it's a bit over the top. I just keep reminding myself of Sister Tuttle's words my first year of college, "I gotta be me!"
How true that is.
Today as I sat getting my final (well for a year or so that is) three+ hour infusion I was filled with emotions. In the infusion center there are a good number of patients who are there for chemotherapy. So many scarf tied, frail individuals walked by my door on their way to their own treatment of the day as I sat there just getting my ironed bumped up a bit. I was reminded once again that I, we, do not hold the road map to life. Sure we can plan out this and that, create goals to strive for as well as work towards obtaining different material possessions along the way. However, all of that can be derailed in a moment.
All of this was the reminder that I needed.
Everyday I am thankful for the health I have and should continue to be thankful.
Everyday I am blessed by people and not possessions.
I need to always stay focused on what I have not what I don't have.
I also need to heed Sister Tuttle's words --- I gotta be me!
Sometimes I am too focused on what's going wrong or what I could do better and I lose track of what's really going well. I also need to stop comparing myself to others and truly just be okay with being me.

Tonight for bedtime we read three old books that haven't been read in months. One of Anthony's choices was the first book that Grandma Kathy bought for him, Thankful Together. I'm so glad he picked it out because I was reminded just how much I love the words of this book as well as the simple prayer at the end.

Thank you, dear God,
For your gifts through the day -
For clothing and food,
And giggles and play,
For sights, smells and sounds,
For hugs warm and tight,
And someone to love me
From morning through night...
Thank you, God, for our wonderful day.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
His love endures forever.
1 Chronicles 16:34

I am thankful for the gifts from this day. I am blessed with a wonderful life. I am loved by so many amazing individuals. Even though I don't know what the future will hold I'm confident that God has my road map.
Life really is good.

Just a side note, Ivan was the name of my colostomy bag I had in between surgeries. Naming "it" helped bring humor into the interesting situation as well as many laughs. And laughter is always a good thing!

Becker Freedom Days

After seven years of living in Becker it feels great to attend events and really feel like you are a part of the community. I know I would have never chosen Becker as a place I would love to live way back when, but it has become a wonderful little town to have a home, a family and build lasting roots in.
That being said, we all had a great time celebrating our community on Saturday. The celebration is definitely small in scale, but a great deal of fun. We started off with a parade and then made our way up town for great food, conversations with lots of students/parents and activities for Anthony. Later that night we spent time with our neighbors and got to know who we live by a bit better. (It's pretty sad that July marks our fifth year of living on Balsam and we really don't know anyone very well on our street.) We ended the evening with some drinks (chocolate martini - whew!) and fireworks.
It really was a beautiful, fun day.

Who knew that a Spiderman bucket could do double duty as a helmet and collector of candy?!

Anthony was beyond excited and kept asking when the parade would start. It ended up being a L-O-N-G wait for the little boy who likes to always get up before 6:00am.
FINALLY, right on time, the procession started.

The usual line-up of tractors.
This year Anthony waved at everyone that went by and even ventured out to get some candy. That was a huge improvement from parades of previous years.

Llamas?
Interesting.

We were visited by a group of former and future students, which was a lot of fun. It was another reminder just how much I love teaching and being around so many great kids.

Later A got to touch a snake. I stayed a respectful distance away and just took some photos. Yuck!

A's deep in concentration hoping his rat will win in the race.

The absolute highlight for Anthony was getting to ride a horse! He was very serious in every photo, but had a great time.

PS ---- There was no Michele Bachmann sighting at the parade this year.

In the News

If you think you had a bad day check out the day this guy had! (Thanks, Star Tribune, for such great material!)

A man who apparently passed out on a pool float at a beach in the Tampa, Florida area ended up drifting about a mile from shore in the Gulf of Mexico. The U.S. Coast Guard rescued the man, identified as Jerry Whipple, after a boater reported seeing an unconscious man floating well offshore. Officials said they suspect the man was very drunk.

Sounds like the missing scene from The Hangover, huh?!

Reality Check

I've been thinking today that the blog might be a bit of a lie. Not a conscious, flat out lie, but a lie just the same. Honestly, I've done a real good job lately of posting the fun pictures and stories while shying away from the real issues that matter for our family.
The good stuff is always easier to post.
It's probably easier to read as well.
Talking about the real issues isn't always easy.
I definitely don't want to come across as being a negative Nelly or an unappreciative mother.
I'm neither of those.
I guess it's just time for a reality check.
Time to be honest with how things are going with our A.

The positives...
There really are so many to celebrate.
Anthony is almost completely sleeping through the night thanks to Melatonin (a lifesaver) and, hopefully, feeling more relaxed/comfortable/accepted/wanted/etc by his parents.
Along with Melatonin, our bedtime routine has really helped to have a peaceful nightly good night. There are no more hours of yelling, hitting and saying awful words to me.
Right now our therapy sessions are put on hold. I truly believe the months of therapy have really paid off. Mark and I have a better sense of how to parent Anthony and he has a better sense of using his words. Instead of yelling or hitting he can now verbalize what he wants or needs. Of course this doesn't happen exclusively, but the improvement has been immense.
We now can go days without hearing "I hate you".
I cannot even remember the last time I heard his "Mommies always leave anyway" comment. I know it's been months.
One of the absolute BEST improvements is that he no longer wipes off any kisses. He may be reluctant to get a smooch from mom, but he won't wipe it off. That was a constant for months/years.

Although the improvements have been huge and we're completely grateful we still have tough moments and days. I guess we're trying to figure out what behaviors are due to Reactive Attachment Disorder or Sensory Processing Disorder or oppositional defiant or just being a three year old boy.
He always has to win.
Definitely a three year old boy issue.
He's always right.
Again, he's a toddler.
Constant whining.
Give me a break, he's a kid.
There are other behaviors, though, that just cannot be attributed to typical toddler behavior. The fact that he can instantly flip and go into a mean mode is really scary. I still get hit a lot by him and it doesn't matter if he sees that I am upset or crying. He'll continue to do it. Tonight he kicked me in the face and then smiled. The fact that he didn't feel any remorse scares me and let's me know we still have things to work on. Anthony can also slip into a tantrum/screaming fit and is unable to snap out of it easily. During these times his actions and words can be very hurtful.
Everyday the goal is to remain patient and positive, layout a plan for the day and verbalize that with A and to be active. We've had a busy June and I plan on keeping him busy. "Hard work" aka running, swimming, swinging, going for walks, climbing, jumping, etc is most often the best medicine for him. Right now he's loving swimming lessons (a MAJOR improvement over last year), our community ed classes (dinosaur day was a huge hit today) and is looking forward to the sport sampler class coming up in July. He is an active boy and giving him lots of options to be active is always a good thing.

"Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending."

This favorite quote is a motto that I live by. Each and everyday is a blessing and one to be enjoyed. That's why you'll continue to read about all of our adventures on the blog even if there's more going on under the surface. Today was a rough day, but along with the bumps we had a lot of fun being together and celebrating another beautiful day of summer sunshine.

Happy feet!
Anthony was beyond excited to pick out new shoes at the outlet mall after our dino class and for dad to finally get home so he could show them off.

The lilies are blooming and the burst of orange is such a beautiful sight in our yard. I always try to enjoy them to the fullest being they only stay around for a short while.

A dream has become reality!
Becker has an ice cream truck this summer that cruises the streets with actual music playing. Anthony woke from his nap hearing the sweet sound and declared he would like a treat. Who wouldn't?!

We waited until daddy came home and then got an awesome Batman ice cream bar.

CSA Day!
These strawberries were amazing and will definitely be devoured by tomorrow. Yum!

Our morning walk, playing at the park, seeing him trust me in the pool, our first bike ride together... All of these moments were wonderful today. I'm confident that everything else will fall into place as we continue to work on helping our Bubsa Beetle Boy. Thank you to all who have continued to think of us and support us in big and small ways.
Just keep swimming...

Mama, Why?

Anthony is eternally filled full of questions. Everything about his surrounding is new and fascinating requiring a barrage of questions throughout every day. He definitely reminds me of the neighborhood boy on Home Alone who asks the van driver just about every question as the McCallisters are running around frantically trying to get ready and make it to the airport on time.

Here's a sample of what was asked just today:

Why does the van need gas to run?

Could I drink gas?

Could I put gas into my body instead of blood?

Is this a fast road?

Can you drive as fast as Lightning McQueen?

What would happen if we got into an accident?

Why do I have to wear my buckles?

Why do I have to take a nap?

Why can't I eat at McDonalds?

Why do you have to wear clothes?

Why can't I just be naked?

Why do bees make honey?

Don't they get mad when we eat it?

Why does daddy have to work?

Why can't I have more chips?

What are vitamins?

What would happen if Zoey was lost?

Why does Natalie (swim instructor) have different swimsuits?

Why do I have to sit down to eat?

If you dare ever to say I don't know he'll be beyond upset and give the "YES YOU DO!" response. He needs to know the answer and will probably have another question formulated by the time you give your response.

The best questions today, though, came while we were rocking and getting ready for bed. In the midst of praying the questions started and kept coming.

Mama, why do we pray to God every night?

Where does he live?

Why does he live in heaven?

Where is heaven?

Why can't I see it?

How does he hear our prayers?

Why is he invisible?

Does he know I want to see him?

How does God live in our hearts?

I have blood in my heart.

I bet he doesn't like getting blood all over him.

These are the moments I want to treasure and appreciate while they are happening (even if the questions sometimes get a bit overwhelming) and always remember as he continues to grow and change. I honestly hope the questions and conversations never stop.

Welcome, Summer!

It's official! Summer is here and we couldn't be happier! Anthony enjoyed kicking off summer solstice with Ry & Cam and play time in the backyard. Here's to more weeks of being outside, playing in the pool, eating out on the deck, taking walks, going to the park, playing with friends, seeing family and soaking in each and every beautiful day of no day care/no school. Ah, summer, we love you!

Leech Lake

Although the name sounds unappealing, North Star on Leech Lake is one of my all-time favorite places to be in this world. My family starting going there before I was born and I spent every summer growing up visiting this beloved spot. The lake has an amazing sandy beach that spans the entire length of the campground and beyond; the water seems to go on forever before you get to the drop off point. This place holds so many wonderful memories with various individuals in my life. While we were there I kept think of story after story of being with my siblings and cousins as well as always camping with my bff Erin. What fun we had!
We were absolutely excited that after a hiatus of a few years we were going back to camp at North Star. This camping trip was even more special because it was the first time our AJs - Anthony James and Asher John - were experiencing it too. Our weekend up at the lake was a cooler one with little sunshine; however, it still was a great trip with more memories being made with family. I'm looking forward to many more trips like this in the future.

The wind was blowing and the white caps were rolling in when we got there Friday afternoon.

That didn't stop Anthony, though, from wanting to test out the water.

"Lobster" hunting with Uncle Airwick and Auntie Manda proved to be a highlight of the weekend for A.

Grandma Kathy, however, wasn't as excited about the "lobsters" that were caught. (I'm not a big fan either...)

Mom and Chester enjoying some time on the beach.

Baby Asher is quite the camper! He's so easy going and loved being outside with everyone.

There were many trips into the water for Anthony and many trips running out wanting to get warm. I started to get worried, but then I realized I did the same thing at his age. One just cannot resist this beautiful lake!

A exploring once again with Uncle Airwick.

Erik and Ash

Family photo

Back into the water once again.

Anthony always has to have a goofy pose...

before doing just a regular picture.

As always Sunday came too fast and with it came the calm lake and beautiful sunshine. It was a picture perfect day to pack it up and head home. Hopefully we'll be able to head up there once again, if not more, this summer.

Grandma Time

Anthony was very lucky last week that he got lots of time with his very loved grandmas. Grandma Kathy came down on Sunday and stayed with us until Wednesday. Then Anthony got to ride up with her to Grand Rapids and he stayed with Grandma Carol and Papa Marv until we got up there Thursday night.
Today while we were driving Anthony started to talk about the fun he's had over the past week. Then he started listing all the people that he wished lived in "Becker Bulldogs" with him. It wasn't a surprise that his grandparents were at the top of the list. Even though they live up north hopefully there will be more visits to come this summer. He sure loves his grandma time!

The sun finally came out after days of rain so we headed to the park with Grandma Kathy.

Grandma Carol has beautiful flowers blooming in her gardens.

Grandma's big pine cone picker-upper helper!

And they're off!

Arnold, Gretchen and Baby Adele

Our friends, the Changamires, left today for a month long visit to Africa. Arnold is from Zimbabwe and hasn't been home since getting married and coming to the United States a few years ago. This trip is much needed for him and very special being that Miss Adele will be meeting grandmas and loved ones for the very first time. Along with visiting they will be attending a few World Cup games as well. Even though I'm not a soccer buff and the mosquito-like noise is a bit much for me, I'll be watching the games to get a glimpse of what they are experiencing. We definitely will miss seeing them for the first part of the summer, but are extremely excited for their adventure and hope to vicariously travel with them through their blog and facebook updates.
To read about how a girl from Wisconsin meets a boy from Africa and then gets married in Zimbabwe check out Gretchen's post Full Circle on her blog.
If you're curious (like me) and want to know more about their month-long transcontinental adventure check out Arnold's blog: Anderson's World Cup.

Fishing Love

As soon as Mark brought home Anthony's Spiderman fishing pole yesterday he was "hooked". Play-doh was completely forgotten as the boys assembled the pole and talked about going fishing this summer. A practiced casting in the living room and finally convinced daddy to go outside. Even though it was raining Super Dad went out and together they practiced casting some more until A was ready to go fishing in deep waters (aka his pool). The scene outside was definitely smile inducing with A in his hunting pants and Uncle Damon Carhart sweatshirt completely in love with casting, fishing in the pool and excited to spend some real time fishing with daddy this summer.

Thoughts for Today

The purpose of our life needs to be positive. We weren’t born with the purpose of causing trouble, harming others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities – warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful – happier.

It is necessary to help others, not only in our prayers, but in our daily lives. If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is to desist from harming them.

It is not enough simply to wish that love and compassion should increase in us. We need to make a sustained effort, again and again, to cultivate the positive aspects within us – and the key here is constant familiarity. The nature of human thoughts and emotions is such that the more you engage in them, the more you consciously develop them, the more powerful they become.

Negative thoughts and emotions undermine the very causes of peace and happiness. In fact, when we think properly, it is totally illogical to seek happiness if we do nothing to restrain angry, spiteful, and malicious thoughts and emotions.

Dalai Lama

My June Dates

How lucky are we? Anthony and I have weekly dates throughout June with our favorite Ry and Cam. It's really a win-win for everyone. Luke and Jenn are teaching summer school and needed some help watching the boys while I have a couple of appointments and needed someone to watch A. This past week the boys and I went to the Wednesday free movies to see Shrek 2 and then on Thursday we went to a community ed class "Just Dough It". Anthony loves spending time with his friends and they do so well playing together. It's been really fun and I look forward to the rest of our June adventures together. Next week? Hotel for Dogs. It should be another great outing!

Out-With

I decided this week to check out books from our middle school library that are popular with students, but I haven't had the chance to read them yet. After going through my list and pulling books from the shelf I had a "healthy" stack to keep me entertained for the next three months.
Today marks the first official day of summer for me and I've already completed one book, which feels great since I've been in an awful reading drought lately. I love reading, but needed to prioritize my time with work, correcting, family, therapy, sleep, etc. Unfortunately reading for pleasure got pushed to the bottom for most of this past school year. Hopefully that can change a bit this summer.
My first choice BLEW me away. Clearly there is a reason why this book was consistently checked out and I heard several book talks on it throughout the year. I'm already looking forward to doing my own book talk on it with next year's seventh graders and getting them excited about a great read to pick up and enjoy.

From the moment I opened to the inside cover I was hooked and knew I was in for another great read.

The story of The Boy in Stripped Pajamas is very difficult to describe. Usually we give some clues about the book on the jacket, but in this case we think that would spoil the reading of the book. We think it is important that you start to read without knowing what it is about.

If you do start to read this book, you will go on a journey with a nine-year-old boy called Bruno. (Though this isn't a book for nine-year-olds.) And sooner or later you will arrive with Bruno at a fence.

Fences like this exist all over the world. We hope you never had to encounter such a fence.

What an introduction. It really says very little, but speaks volumes. Not surprisingly I enjoyed reading this Holocaust themed novel about Auschwitz "Out-With" and getting a child's perspective looking from the outside in. The ending is absolutely incredible. Clearly my students all understood that this book is a must read.

Here's to finding more time, going through my stack of young adult lit and getting lost in story after story.
Oh, how I love you summer!

What do you see?

How is it that it never gets old lying on the grass, staring up at the sky and finding shapes as clouds meander by? The best part is that Anthony was the one who initiated this and was so creative in coming up with different animals and shapes.

Today was my last official day at work and now summer can begin. I'm excited and hopeful --- looking forward to more times spent lying on the grass, being outside and enjoying each other without work or day care. In so many ways Anthony continues to grow and get "better" even though there's still challenging moments. (But I think that comes with the territory of raising a three year old too, right?!) It's been weeks now that he's stopped wiping off every kiss, which gives us hope that more positive behaviors are in the near future.
Here's to a beautiful summer full of continued healing and fun!