Another Dose of Reality

Today was a great day! I had the day off of work and I was able to spend the entire day with our Bubsa Beetle. The morning started off with snuggling in bed, watching some Monsters Inc and then we had some hot cereal together. That is when everything started to fall apart. He was mad at the cereal (and me) because it wouldn't stay on his spoon and some milk spilled on the table. He continued to get more and more frustrated to the point he got down and refused to eat anything. Getting dressed to go to the grocery store took around 45 minutes of screaming, hitting and a total refusal to let me help him until the very end. While shopping he was helpful, cheerful and we had great fun picking out all of the necessary items. After nap time we played with Legos and he asked for help when the smaller pieces would fall off of his airplane and car. When daddy got home he refused to kiss him and ignored his presence for a good chunk of time. Supper went relatively well, but he refused to eat anything that wasn't a crouton dipped in ketchup. After eating all went well with playing and he even let daddy put on his jammies without a fuss! Bed time is always the hardest, though, and tonight isn't an exception. As soon as I walked in his room to say prayers and talk about our plan for tomorrow he started shouting for me to get out and that he doesn't like me. I got him calmed down enough to rock, but he refused to cuddle, wiped off all of my kisses and told me that he wants me to go away. I just kept saying how much I love him because he can never hear that too much. While praying I asked him who he was thankful for tonight. His response was mommy and daddy because I love them. While putting him back into bed he told me that he wanted to choke and punch me, he "not like" my kisses and that he just wants me to go away. Again I follow that up with I love yous, more mommy kisses and tight hugs. As soon as I started to walk out he calls out for me and doesn't want me to go. Now for the last hour it has been a team effort for Mark and I. He will be quiet for awhile and then start screaming out. He is definitely tired and has stated that many times, but absolutely refuses to go to bed.
Even though all of this sounds a bit chaotic, today really was a great day. I was able to be Anthony's mom for a full day --- no work, no other outside obligations --- just the two of us for an entire day! The details that I just shared is an honest look into a typical day for The Hanson Hat Trick. Our life has become a roller coaster of emotions --- all the highs and the lows. There are always wonderful moments in everyday as well as moments that make me cry like today. There are moments that I see so much hope and then others times when I feel lost and wish I could be more of what he truly needs. Many moments of everyday are spent in prayer thanking God for our son and asking (okay, sometimes begging) for help.
Opening up in The Truth Unveiled took some time; however, the response has been great. Thank you to everyone who posted a message or sent an email. Your support truly is appreciated - especially on days when I feel a bit defeated.
Living with a child who is hurting isn't always easy, but everyday it is ALWAYS WORTH IT. Every smile, every giggle, every interaction makes it a blessed day and one to be thankful for. I love my family. I pray that someday Anthony will truly feel and believe in the security of our love and let his hurt go.

Asher

Look at that grin!
Look at the chub!
Look at how BIG Asher is already getting!

If I could I would give him lots of hugs and kisses right through this picture. He is just too darn cute! This auntie is seriously excited for this upcoming weekend and getting some snuggle time in with her beautiful little nephew. More pictures of the "Ash Man" (that would be Mark's nickname for him) will be coming soon.

Skyping

One has to love the amazing technology we now are surrounded by. When I think back it's unbelievable to me that I didn't have an email address until my first year of college (1995) and our family didn't even own a computer with internet until Manda started taking college courses her junior year of high school (1999). I didn't grow up with a cell phone, had no knowledge of what texting would be, and our family camcorder could have had it's own zip code it was so big. My students always think it's amazing that I actually grew up with no cell phone, only one household tv (that got three channels) and that my main source of music was mixed cassette tapes (WHAT'S THAT?!), which eventually evolved into "compact discs" --- no ipods. I love sharing with them our way of contacting our parents at school without using a cell phone. We would use the pay phone in the lobby to call home and let it ring, hang up and then call again. That was our code to come pick us up and our way to save a quarter on an actual call. (How crazy is that?!)
To say technology has changed since I was in high school is putting it mildly.
I still have a lot to learn and I am a novice when it comes to anything technological, but I love all of the options that exist out there. It was a few years ago that I first heard about the free service of Skype. Basically you could call anybody anywhere who also has Skype and have a video conversation with them on your computer. (This is definitely something that would have been way too futuristic when I was in junior high! It would have sounded like some part of a sci-fi movie plot.)
Whenever Manda is at my parent's house we have now started Skyping each other. Anthony's first reaction was priceless. He was amazed to see auntie and grandma in his computer and to hear/see Chester barking in the background. Yesterday we Skyped again and it was so awesome to be able to see how big Asher is getting and to have my family see and talk with Cynthia too. Now I just need to be able to teach my parents how to do this on their own so Anthony can have computer conversations with grandma and papa. :)

Our Weekend Visitor

What a bunch of goof balls!

Anthony and his beautiful birth mommy

Snuggling and watching a new video

This weekend we were finally able to have our Christmas visit with Cynthia. Our last visit was in August for Anthony's birthday party and we were excited to have her come to our home again. Anthony was especially excited. He told me to leave multiple times and go get birth mommy so she could come play with him. He had a whole agenda of items for her to do with him --- play with Play-doh, show her his new bunk bed, play in the tent, eat lunch together, etc, etc, etc. This visit was especially nice because it was just the four of us. They got to spend a lot of quality time together and he was glad that he had birth mommy's full attention. So much so that he fought taking a nap big time. Finally he fell asleep about thirty minutes before she had to leave; he just couldn't fight it off any longer.
Even though this visit was shorter and Cynthia didn't spend the night, I'm so thankful we were able to get together. I am still amazed that when we started the whole adoption process we were so scared about the openness part. As I always say, our relationship with A's birthmom has been such a wonderful blessing. We love her so much and will always be thankful she picked us to parent Anthony. He is our biggest gift and joy --- all thanks to her selflessness.
We love you, birth mommy, and will be forever grateful.

Oteneagen Cafe

It used to drive me nuts when us kids wanted to eat out (which, I am sure, was just about every time we were in Grand Rapids) and dad would state we were eating at the Oteneagen Cafe instead. All three of us would groan in the backseat with the knowledge we would be heading home for our meal. Now that I am older I wish there was an Oteneagen Cafe to go to. Sure there's the trips up north where we will eat at mom and dad's, but it's still not the same.
My parents did what I wish I could do for my family now. For the most part they bypassed processed foods (however, our family was big on Hamburger Helper and had an evil candy drawer) and went the healthier route. At one time my parents had two gardens that my mom would can the vegetables as well as make yummy sauces. I also grew up with fresh beef, chicken and pork as well as venison from the fall hunt. I believe most of what they did was to be thrifty and save money; however, it allowed our family to always have fresh and healthy food.
Many of my mom's recipes consisted of meat and potatoes as well as the beloved Minnesotan casserole/hot dish. While looking for something new to make last week I came across one of her recipes --- Chicken Wild Rice Casserole. It had been years since I had this delicious dish and eating it brought me right back to my childhood. I could envision getting off the activity bus with dad or mom waiting for me in the car at the end of our road and then walking into the house to smell this lovely meal. (Of course, I probably scoffed at dinner and complained about having chicken again...) When I made it last week it honestly wasn't as good as mom's --- it never is! --- but it helped to have Pietila's wild rice to make the dish complete. Thanks mom for all the great recipes you've made over the years and shared; thanks dad for giving me some of Pietila's wild rice and helping to bring a little slice of home down to Becker.

Chicken Wild Rice Casserole

1/2 c wild rice
1/2 tame rice (Minute)
1 can onion soup
1 can water
1 chicken cut up (I used chicken breasts instead)
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 can water

Put rice in the bottom of a greased pan. Cover with onion soup and water. Place chicken on top of rice. Then pour chicken soup and water over the top. Bake uncovered for two hours at 350 degrees.

Zoey the Wonder Dog

Last night and this morning we had a huge scare with our Wonder Dog. Zoey tried walking last night, but would cry out in pain. Eventually Mark had to carry her to bed. Our hope was that she would wake up recovered and just like her old self. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and I became all emotional thinking of every possible thing that could be wrong with her. After dropping Anthony off at daycare and teaching until a sub could come, I brought her into the local vet. After doing some tests and taking a couple of x-rays it was determined that she is showing some signs of trouble in her left hip and lower spine/back. The vet feels that arthritis has set in, which is causing and will cause her problems in the future. Luckily, that was the best outcome out of the range of possibilities. So it looks like Zo needs to go on a little diet, try to "take it easy" (that should be interesting) and take some medication as needed.
I realized today after immediately taking a personal day from work and paying a vet bill without flinching that I will have some major heartache when Zoey's time with us ends. From the moment I drove all the way to Menomonie, Wisconsin, based solely off of her cute picture on Petfinder.com, I fell in love with her. So for the next few hours I'm planning to take it easy, cuddle with her in bed and be thankful for our Wonder Dog.

Bunk Bed Love

The excitement in our household was at an all-time high on Monday night. Once daddy said he was picking up Anthony's bunk bed that finally came in he was beyond happy. Zoey and him kept a vigil at the window waiting for our spaceship to come back with his transition into total toddler. Lucky for us we had lots of help from a three year old who was only too excited to pick up daddy's real screw driver. (Apparently his tools just wouldn't do the job and he refused to use them.)

Bye, bye crib!

Anthony was in charge of taking care of all of the packaging. He was busy wearing it as a costume and then ripping it up into shreds.

We're making progress! I realized at this point that I could definitely work an Allen wrench, but was worried about having to actually lift the top bunk onto the bottom. Clearly I need to be doing some serious weight lifting. Sorry, Mark!

We did it! Finally Anthony was able to try out his ladder for the first time.

He was all smiles and loved going from the top to bottom bunk via the awesome new ladder.
In the same night Anthony officially stopped announcing that he has to go potty. He just goes. I guess he's officially a big boy now.

Wild Wheels

Luke manning the choo choo train of little boys.

Winter has been kicking our butt. Especially since our little guy loves being active and needs to be physical each and everyday. Mark and I have noticed that he will run from the living room to his bedroom - back and forth - just about everyday. Being couped up with nowhere to run, jump, bike, swing, etc. is really hard on him. Starting last week I would pick him up from daycare and then we would go back to school to run. We spend a good twenty minutes running around the hallways and trying to stay away from the "sharks". (Got to make it fun!)
On Friday we were invited by the Feierabends to go to Wild Wheels at a school in Monticello. It was PERFECT! Anthony was able to play with his friends, ride his trike and have lots of fun activities to play with in the gym. He had a great time and it's something we'll definitely want to do again. (If only it would have tired him out, though. I think he finally made it to bed around 11:15. Ugh.)

Our Life Unveiled

I like that resolution means finding a solution to a problem; I dislike the fact that most of my previous New Year's Resolutions ended up discarded and forgotten before I could turn the calendar to February. Therefore, this year I have made no resolutions in the champagne toasting/kissing at midnight way. Instead, hopefully, I have done something more powerful. My resolution this year involves my family and starting to be honest with those that truly care about The Hanson Hat Trick. I am filled with hope, consumed in prayer and opening up to those around us as we enter into a new year.

If I were to rate myself as a parent I know it wouldn't be higher than a C-. In fact two weeks ago I had to do just that and I circled the response for "average". Don't get me wrong. I absolutely, 100% LOVE being Anthony's mommy and Mark's teammate when it comes to parenting. Anthony is the greatest gift we have ever received. However, life at our house isn't always easy and it certainly doesn't look like the families we surround ourselves with. Every morning I pray for patience and the ability to be the mom Anthony truly needs; every night I am consumed with guilt that I have failed once again.

For those of you who truly know me you know that I am basically an open book. I enjoy sharing all aspects of my life and having relationships with others who are able to share the most intimate details as well. That is how I feel close and connected with others. These past few months, though, I have struggled with opening up and sharing how I was feeling as well as what was happening. I didn't want to sound too negative and I also didn't want our family blog to become a journal where I dump all of my emotional baggage. I realized, though, that the individuals who check our blog consistently are the ones who truly care. A wonderful friend called to chat recently and wanted to know what we had been up to. When I told her to look at the blog she quickly pointed out that I omit all of the hard stuff and just post the fun events. She was absolutely right.

Therefore I am opening up and sharing the "hard stuff" in hopes that you will continue to love and support us as well as pray for our family. We truly need all three.

Our journey started the moment Anthony came home; however, problems started to arise and last March I finally decided to do something about it. I called our family doctor with concerns regarding Anthony's behavior. I was told something along the lines that he's two and they were not concerned about any behaviors until a child reaches the age of three. (Got to love the "boys will be boys" philosophy). I asked if the clinic could refer us to a parenting class, but there was none. Even though I was reaching out there was no help. We just kept plugging along...

Between March and August Anthony's behaviors (a whirlwind of hyperactivity and rage --- hitting, screaming, and overall just being naughty) escalated until June when the heartbreaking comment came out of him. Whenever he would get upset he would tell me to leave. He would follow that up with "Mommies always leave anyway." It was painful to hear that and have no explanation as to what was going on with him. My gut was screaming RED LIGHT, but once again there was no help.

It was frustrating to no end that our doctor wouldn't listen to us until his three year well child visit in August. After giving her the details of his comments and behavior (most of his anger was just directed at me) and reminding her of the fact he was adopted when he was 18 months old she finally jumped into action. Anthony was referred to a behavior specialist in St. Cloud who quickly referred us to an attachment center in Deephaven. Finally in November we starting getting some answers through weekly therapy. Through individual and family therapy our therapist saw many of the behaviors we see on a daily basis and was able to put a label on it --- Reactive Attachment Disorder.
What is RAD? We honestly had never heard of it, but as we dug deeper it became clear this was definitely our Bubsa Bo.

Typical Family Profile with a RAD child:
The Child: Seems happy, charming, polite, and enjoyable toward others outside the home but is often uncontrollable inside the home. *Anthony has a sensitivity to rejection and to disruptions in the normally attuned connection between mother and child.
(YES! This was exactly the case. Initially our parents were shocked when we were describing what was happening on a daily basis. Some friends of ours had and still have the same reaction. They believe nothing is wrong; that we're over reacting. He's just a three year old boy. For me, this has probably been one of the hardest reactions to deal with.)
The Father: Seems perplexed or concerned because he doesn't know if his wife or his child has created the problems and conflicts in the family.
(Mark definitely was just as perplexed and frustrated as I was; however, we both knew this was all stemming from his adoption and having three different placements in his short life.)
The Mother: Feels frustrated, depressed, angry, and tired.
(BINGO! After months of hearing "I not like you, momma" as well as several other phrases on a daily basis I found my lowest point earlier this winter. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get out of my "funk". Finally in December our therapist said, "One of the most isolating experiences in life is to be rejected by your own child." She nailed exactly how I had been feeling for so many months and I once again became a fountain of tears.)

So what does our daily life truly look like? What are the problem areas for Anthony?
Anthony has a lot of anxiety and change is hard for him to deal with. Throughout the day we are constantly setting the timer per his request. He needs a timer before nap/bedtime, bath time, and even, sometimes, to know when he can get down from the dinner table. Finding out that (1) change is hard and that (2) the timer works has been a lifesaver.
Anthony also has a lot of rage/violence in his tiny three year old frame. Typically he will get mad when you have to discipline or say no; however, the scarier times is when he hits or says something mean for no reason whatsoever at all. His anger used to be only directed at me and, for the most part, it still is. However, Mark has felt his wrath as well as, unfortunately, others in our lives. Our therapist believes a lot of this behavior is connected to a Sensory Processing Disorder. We got an evaluation completed two weeks ago and Anthony did qualify in the area of proprioceptive. Hopefully our weekly therapy that will start this Wednesday will help with his need to hit and give us more ideas of how to work with him.
One of the hardest issues to deal with is his sleep disturbances. Starting in December bedtime became a two to four hour process every night. Night time is the hardest time for him because of all of his fears. He's afraid of the dark, afraid we'll leave and won't come back, afraid to be alone, etc. Some nights we can get him to sleep, but then he'll wake up throughout the night. One night last week he was up more than ten times throughout the night and I found him wide awake and playing with toys at 3:30 in the morning. I wish he was old enough to truly express his feelings and fears; I wish I knew what happens in his mind when he closes his eyes.
Overall, that's the major problem. He just isn't able to express himself and how he feels about everything that has happened in his short life. We are tackling a pretty severe belief system in his young mind. For example, everyday that I drop him off at daycare he now clings to me. (That's good in terms of attachment, but still heartbreaking for me because I know what he's thinking.) Now sometimes as soon as he wakes up in the morning he needs the reassurance that I will come back to get him after I'm done with work and he questions this as we get ready, while we're driving and when we get to Renae's house. Everyday I remind him that his parents are good, they love him and they ALWAYS come back. Hopefully if I keep saying it he'll start to tear down his original belief system and start truly believing it too.

Slowly I have been opening up and sharing these intimate details of our life. I find the more I share and connect with others the stronger I feel even if they don't complete understand what we're going through. I truly believe being rejected by one you love so much is an isolating experience, but I no longer want to feed into that isolation by cutting myself off from others. My biggest hope is that everyone who reads this post will not feel sorry for us and everything we're going through, but rather will spend some time praying and sending positive thoughts our way. Even though 2009 was a hard year for our family, there were so many positives to be thankful for everyday as we parent our beautiful little boy. I ended the year with back-to-back, unsolicited "I love you, mommy". Even though those words took almost two years to come out of his mouth, I was beyond elated and renewed with hope. I truly believe LOVE will conquer ALL. I have hope that Anthony will grow up knowing he is good, he is worthy of love and this his parents truly love him to the moon and back and will do anything to make sure he's healthy and happy.

Here's to a hopeful and healing 2010!