The Daily Battle

Last night Anthony sought me out to show me his dragon he had just finished coloring.  He was clearly proud of the work he had accomplished and was in a great mood.

We talked about our plans for coloring even more things together during our day off tomorrow.

He ended the conversation with a tight bear hug and a huge pucker right on the lips.

Oh, it felt so good!

I couldn't help but smile and get a little teary eyed as well.  Anth has been resisting hugs and kisses for a few weeks now.

Not even 30 minutes later we were together rocking, praying and talking before bed.  In a very calm state he was explaining to me why he didn't like me and that he would much rather spend time with daddy.  He wasn't being mean or in chicken brain state or in a rage, but rather he was just matter of fact about the whole thing.  I don't like mommies.  

Earlier in the day I had asked him to get out of the kitchen.  After several times of asking, I grabbed his upper arm and walked him out of the kitchen.  Anthony immediately started crying.  I think he was more upset that I got upset and yelled....not that he was hurt in any way.

This was the story he mentioned at bedtime.  That's why I don't like you mommy.  You're always mean to me.

Perhaps this is how I've turned into a perfectionist who constantly beats herself up over ever action and reaction as a parent?  Everyday I try my best to remain calm through every possible situation and go into therapy mom mode when I need to.  When I make a very human slip I feel awful --- partly because I wish I could have remained cool, calm and collected; partly because I know he will archive it putting it under the I don't like mommies category.

It's hard to be forgiving and gentler to myself when I know how much of an impact it will have on the little one I love so dearly.

How awful and confusing this must feel for him.