Starting the List

As of late, I've been struggling.
It's the same struggle I've been wrestling with for months. 
Okay, if I'm being honest, it's been a few years.

I hate you.  You're mean.  I hate you.  You're stupid.  I hate you.  

I hate you.  You're mean.  I hate you.  You're stupid.  I hate you.  

I hate you.  You're mean.  I hate you.  You're stupid.  I hate you.  

I hate you.  You're mean.  I hate you.  You're stupid.  I hate you.  

I hate you.  You're mean.  I hate you.  You're stupid.  I hate you.  

I hate you.  You're mean.  I hate you.  You're stupid.  I hate you. 

screaming

whining

hitting

kicking

crying

screaming

More I hate yous, you're mean, I hate yous, you're stupid...

How do I shield my heart from such hurtful words and actions?  How do I "weather the storm" without completely changing and staying true to myself?   Is it even possible?  Why do I let a four year old's words get to me?  I know he struggles.  I know he's wrestling his own inner demons.   So why can't I stay composed, unflinching and be unaffected by what he dishes out? 

As I look back through our weeks, months, and years I can see such significant progress being made.  There hasn't been a full blown meltdown, rage situation happen since January.  (I'm so very, very thankful!)  The difficult sleeping pattern that was started back in November of 2009 is no longer a major issue.  (I actually sleep at night!)  Within the last few weeks Anthony has completely gotten off of Melatonin and has been able to sleep through the night without any "help".  (AMAZING!) Just last week he had SIX nights in a row without nightmares, without disruptions.  He stayed in his bed the whole night and woke up smiling. 

NEVER underestimate the power of a smile and happiness!

Progress feels good.
There have been so many times that I've told Mark and loved ones that it feels like we are on the cusp of something...

a new understanding
an awareness
a pivotal change
acceptance
embracing of love
healing
a world void of the chaos and pain...

Just being a family. 

Ah, a family.

Once again this week I was reminded of the power of sharing what's making your heart heavy as well as the amazing healing power of an honest, Kleenex-filled conversation with people who love you. I've also been reminded that when mothers are being honest we share similar struggles even though our stories may be vastly different.

We've yelled.
We've cranked up the music to drown out the screaming.
We've cried.
We've spanked butts.
We've pulled over the car.
We've been beyond frustrated.
We've given time-outs.
We've given ourselves a time-out.
We've second guessed our actions.
We've played the roll of Nanny 911.
We've fallen on bended knees asking God for help.

Or at least that's what I've done as a mom...

The struggle already feels lighter just through the process of sharing even though every day continues to be just that ---- a struggle.  Every time I encounter another individual who is willing and able to share their struggle with vulnerability and honesty I know that I will be able to get through mine.

Thank God 

for girlfriends.  

Sisters.  

Moms.  

Caring co-workers.  

The people who surprise you in life.

Today during my blog viewing I was reading previous posts that were written on Letting Love Cover It.  In her post, I'm A Believer, she wrote about her list of thankfulness and I immediately gravitated towards it.  She's living life in spite of her personal adoption struggles and writing down the thousand gifts along the way.  She's right that it's probably a fad (although, not shockingly, I'm unaware of it) and trendy, but I'm drawn to it regardless. 
A list of happiness.
On the good days and on the bad, I will continue to plow through it.
I will write, share (again, K-E-Y for M-E!), read, re-read, share, write, write, write until I am done. 
I will do this for my own good. 
I will do this so I NEVER underestimate the power of a smile and happiness; so I always remember to be thankful even on the most challenging of days...
I will do this so I can be the best mom I can be for my little boy. 
I
will
find
the
good
and
give
thanks.

....I am here to tell you, if you are feeling a little glum about life, take the challenge.  Write down 1000 things you love.  Nail down 1000 moments of your life, and see if it doesn't change the way you see the world....  - Letting Love Cover It

I'm starting my list today.

#1-12

My beautiful, energetic, funny, full of life Bubsa Boo

Seeing green grass peek through is such a delight

My daycare lady is seriously the best

Going to the movies with three little boys on date night

Talking to Ash on the phone

Surprise "you truly are amazing" emails from MB

Flowers on my desk at work

Friends you can just talk to and be yourself

Upcoming Arlt visit

Night Road waiting for me on the iPad (even better was the surprise emails from EL today!)

Touching nose = I love you

Understanding, loving, loyal, teammate and husband