Meeting A & Staying

There's a blog post that I read last night from Another Espresso Please that's been stuck in my mind ever since. Somehow, once again, another individual out there has managed to write so poignantly what we're going through.
Here's a snippet where she made a connection between the healing process of a child and the movie "What dreams may come" where Robin Williams goes to hell to find his wife:

You moms and folks who are trying to live with a kid from hard places...
You moms and families who are working through an older child adoption, especially teenage...
You moms who have kids who have trauma backgrounds and/or various special needs....
Think about that.
Because we all know that "meeting up" is one of the only ways to help.
We have to meet them where they are...at that moment.
Often, more than often, it's a mini slice o' hell.

And we have to go there too.
Because they can't get out of there on their own.
Kids who have attachment issues, trauma triggers, who can't regulate their triggered emotions and reactions...they can't just get out of that personal hell.
We have to go to them.
Which means, we have to go to them, and often go through hell to do it, and yup, sit there a spell with them.
Because they are just kids, or teens even, but kids.

And that can sound so very lofty.
We think, at the start, and say with a trill, "Yes, darling, I will go to hell and back for you!"
But, um, ya know...going to hell and back?
Well it is, um, HELL.
It's exhausting and makes you (ok, me) want to cry and say "Forget it, I'm done."

Because even though sometimes I try to selfishly avoid and tiptoe around whatever acting out or somatic fallout or whatever is playing out.....if it's a trigger response (and not just moody teen)...then you can't ignore it, you can't go around it, or over it, (isn't there a kiddy song like that??) you have to go through it.
You have go to it, meet it, and go through it...with them.
Again, sounds all noble, right?
Um, not.
It's usually messy and causes fallout with the other kids and even between the parental unit types, even for yourself.
Because it's hell.
But unless you go sit there and BE with them, somehow, it's not gonna get better.
It might get worse.

So. Ya gotta go.
Meet them.
Wherever they are.

Mark and I have already gone.
We're sitting there BEING with Anthony.
Wherever he is at.
And we know it might get worse,
but we're hoping in the end everything will be better.
That it will have mattered.

On Thursday we brought Anthony to see a pediatric psychiatrist. She was amazing and nothing remotely like my fears. We talked, she listened and we came up with a plan to help our beautiful, hurt little boy. First up is more testing to rule out other possible diagnoses, then therapy - both in home and at the clinic, and finally medication.
A year ago I would have resist any type of meds.
Now I understand it needs to be a combination of medication and therapy. I think that will be his best chance of overcoming all of the pain that exists inside.
Today was only day two and I've been an absolute basket case.
He didn't hit, he didn't say I hate you, he didn't want me to go away.
However,....
He rarely talked.
He didn't want to walk -- he would rather be carried.
He was very emotional and sobbed heartbreaking tears throughout the day.
There were no smiles,
no running around,
no playing,
no giggles,
no expression,
no personality.
Where is my Bubsa Boo?
What have we done?!

Tonight I rocked him to sleep and made him a promise once again.
I don't know exactly what happened to him before he came home and I have no way of knowing what his world looks like according to him right now. I know it must be hard to keep it together each day trying to overcome all the hurt that continues to linger and haunt. Now it must be even harder to be on this medication and in a constant stupor.
Please understand that we're trying something.
If this doesn't work we'll try something else.
And if that fails we will move onto the next thing.
Bubsa Boo --- You need to know that we are NEVER giving up.
EVER.
Daddy and momma are there with you.
Wherever there is at.
And we won't leave you.
EVER.
Even if it means being in a "mini slice o' hell".
Or having tough days for a very long time.
We are there.
We are staying until we walk hand in hand out of this abyss.