The Kiddos

The kids had a great time playing together and having fun at the Halloween party too. There were lots of rounds in the bouncy downstairs, toys spread out everywhere, putting on tattoos, eating junk food and ending the night with some pajamas and a movie. Anthony had a lot of fun with all of his buddies.

Woody did a great job hosting the first big gig at his new beautiful house. Thanks, partner!

Iron Man Mason

Monkey Adele

The superheroes working together

Here's a really bad attempt to try and get a
group photo of the kids.
This would just show how little they sit down;
they are mostly on the run and having some serious fun.
That's what it's all about, right?!


By the end of the night there were some pooped out kiddos.
Pajamas and a movie were needed to chill out and relax as the night came to a close.
Even Anthony fell asleep on the ride home, which NEVER happens!

Sweet Cam-a-roo

Cuddling with Luke

Even though the host was tired,
he was a champ until the very end.
Thanks again, Emerson!
You sure know how to throw a great party!

A Happy Hare-oween

Last night the Hares hosted a family friendly, fabulous & spook-tacular Halloween party with food galore and amazing decorations to boot. Their house was completely transformed by the so very talented Tracy. (She's just starting to share her gifted eye for party decorations on Etsy.com; check her out for great party ideas! Check out her site right here.) The pictures definitely do not do justice to the ambiance that was set; it really was spectacular and beyond anything I had ever seen. I was definitely wowed.

The center piece was an arrangement of goodies and quite the eye pleaser.

April added to the fun with this great dish to share.

Beautiful goodies wrapped up for the kiddies.

The Hares
Woody and his cowboy pals

Joni
As Snow White

The Bakkes with Baby Ayda
I wish I would have gotten a shot of the whole outfit.
Their short denim shorts really added to the whole look.

The Zimmers
As the Bradys

The Sellheims with Baby Amalia
Tired, but looking great as the Flintstones

The Changas
Fighter Kimbo Slice with his Zoo Keeper wife and little monkey Ru Ru

The Feierabends
As classic high school --- cheerleader and football player
(Luke still had his HS football jersey...
I should have taken this photo a bit earlier in the evening. Go #35!)

Maria with Baby Ainsely
Rocking out in her grandma's sweet outfit
My partner in crime, Dr. Bob Fartencheck.
We were dressed as professors from the UP --- Finlandia University (FU).
We sure know how to get creative, huh?!

The Proof is in the Picture

Some little boy got a little carried away with the Halloween stamps.

Just Keep Swimming

This has been a common look of the past three weeks.

Tired.
Upset.
Emotional.
Non-active.
Angry.
We've learned that medication
is
not
a
quick
fix.
So we just keep loving and trying with the hopes that
it will all matter.
Patience.
Hope.
Trust.
Faith.
Love.

The Countdown

Excitement is in the air!
Halloween is almost here!

The boys dressing up and having fun.

Even the ghost is dressed up and ready for Halloween!

Anthony had a special shirt picked out for everyday of the week.

What's modern day love?
It's a husband who skips the flowers and goes straight for the laundry ---
washing, drying, folding AND putting everything away!
This week it was...
A husband who gets up early so he can get home from work early;
a daddy who has the table prepared and pumpkins ready to carve
as soon as we walk in the door.
Now that is
LOVE.

The carving didn't last long for Anthony, but I'm still glad we were able to have a few moments of the traditional fun and get a few photos too before the nightly meltdown.

What a fun surprise!
The newly turned 21 year old college girls might be two days early;
however, it was great to see them and get a practice round in
for handing out candy!
Looking good, Nina and Katie.

This weekend we are looking forward to a party at Emerson's house on Saturday and trick or treating with friends on Sunday. More photos to come...

Chubby Chubberton

Our favorite little ten month old came to town last weekend much to our delight. Ash is no longer a baby who sits there and wants to play with a rattle. He's all about being mobile and loved playing with all of cousin Anthony's big boy toys. By the next time we get together I'm sure he'll have even more teeth and could even be on his way to walking. (Once again I wish we lived closer...) Even though the visit was short it's always great to spend time with Team Tuttle.

Welcome, Amalia Mae!

Baby Selly has a name!
Miss Amalia Mae!
(ah-mah-lee-a)
She was born Sunday, October 3rd
weighing 8.5 pounds and 21 inches long

Isn't she absolutely perfect?
So cute and sweet!

Finally this past week we were all able to go over and properly welcome this beautiful girl into the world. Michael and Laura are doing wonderful and already look like expert parents; they are so laid back and easy going. Perhaps that's what happens when you wait as long as they did to enter the world of parenthood.
Congratulations, Selly family! Thank you for letting us share a night with you and getting the opportunity to cuddle and love up that sweet little girl of yours.

PS - I absolutely LOVE the Hanson family photo with Amalia. Did you check out A's fingers? They are constantly up his nose these days. Picking his nose and wiping boogers on others - gross, but true! - is the delightful stage we are in. This photo completely captures what we see on a daily basis.

Haunted House Trees

Anthony is in love with these spooky "haunted house trees". I'm not sure how he came up with the name exactly; however, he's loving them and everything else that has to do with fall and Halloween.

Shredded Beef Chimichangas

Yesterday at lunch while I was enjoying some leftovers three people asked for this chimi recipe. It's super easy to make and tasty too! If you like Mexican food, like me, this one will be an instant favorite.

Ingredients

• 2 pounds boneless beef chuck roast, trimmed of fat
• 1/4 cup water
• 1 1/2 cups beef broth
• 3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 2 tablespoons chili powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 4 (8 inch) flour tortilla
• 3 tablespoons butter, melted
• 1 1/2 cups shredded Monterey Jack cheese
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1 cup salsa

Directions

1. Place beef in a Dutch oven over medium heat. Pour in water. Cover, and cook for 30 minutes. Remove cover, and cook until liquid has evaporated, and beef is well browned, about 10 minutes. In a medium bowl, combine beef broth, red wine vinegar, chili powder and cumin. Pour over beef. Cover, and cook until meat is very tender, and pulls apart easily, about 2 hours. Allow to cool, then shred and mix with pan juices. (NOTE: I don't really follow these directions. I just put everything in a crock pot and leave it cook; it turns out great!)
   
2. Preheat oven to 500 degrees F (260 degrees C).
3. Brush both sides of each tortilla with melted butter. Spoon shredded beef filling down center of each tortilla. Fold ends over filling, then fold sides to center to make a packet. Place chimichangas, seam side down, in a 9- by 13-inch baking pan. (NOTE: We add refried beans and shredded cheese too.)
   
4. Bake in preheated oven for 8 to 10 minutes, or until golden brown. Serve with shredded cheese, sour cream and salsa.

Harvest Fest

Yesterday we finally made it to Becker's October Harvest Fest for the first time in eight years. We always read about the chili & salsa judging, hayrides and games for kids after the fact in the local paper, but have never been home this weekend to actually go.
Anthony was excited right away because we had to take a shuttle, a bright yellow school bus, from the golf course over to the city park. As we were pulling into the park he could see fire trucks and two inflatable bouncers, which are two things he loves. We ending up spending a couple of hours there playing, eating, enjoying the beautiful fall day and fun community event. Even though Becker is a small town and this was a small scale gathering it will be something on our to do list every fall from now on.

Manda's Shots

My Chubby Chubberton
So stinkin' cute!

My sister, Manda's Shots, is such a fun & creative photographer!
Check out her blog or look at her collection of photos on facebook.

Cahoots & Sadness

The white – gleaming white – walls surround me and that awful smell is coming from every direction, every crevice, and every possible space. My nose kept taking it in and my stomach kept churning. I was trapped between those walls and the smell knew it. That is why it continued to haunt me; it knew I hated it and everything that was associated with it. And then there was that black clock in cahoots with the gleaming white wall. Never ceasing. Endless ticking. That noise racked my brain. Tick…tick…tick. And the clock knew it. I hated that room and I hated that place. The only thing that kept me there was what lay before me.

I stare out the window hoping to find some answers or at least something beautiful to reassure me that there still was some of it left in this life. An oppressive gray smoke billowing out from a tall single stack greeted my eyes. The gray smoke met the gray sky and eventually it disappeared. Although I knew its invisible ugliness lingered and lurked about. Unattractive buildings surrounded the tall single stack and the grayness of the day encompassed all that I could see out of the eye of the gleaming white wall.

I feel wetness and I look down towards my hands. They tremble a bit, but are still useful as they hold the crumpled, used tissues. Those thin layers have managed to capture all of my emotions of the morning. All that I experienced and all that I felt will be forever a secret in their folds and purposeful attempts to wipe away what flowed from me. They know. They understand.

People begin to leave while others begin to come. I, however, continue to stand there unable and not wanting to move. I stand, silently, and stare directly in front of me. My eyes are greeted by more grayness, but this time it is sadness it sees. The body, lifeless, lays in the bed all small, frail and white with its face contorted and mouth wide open. I shut my eyes, but the image of the face continues to be as clear as if I were looking at a picture.

I remain standing there even though the others have all left. I watch as Death’s helpers do this and do that to a body they never knew. I continue to look at the face. The more I try to recognize the man I love so much the more I cannot find him. Didn’t Death know? I was his favorite; the one he loved and I loved back so much. Death probably knew, but didn’t care. How cruel.

The constant ticking interrupts my last moments together with him as I raise my eyes and give it the demanded attention it wants. I look through the glass, at the hands, and I realize, shockingly, time has passed. I remember looking to the black round frame on the gleaming white wall when he drew his last breath --- 5:26. Everything stopped for me, but the ticking continued. It didn’t care. It continued going around because it knew no end or beginning. It too was cruel.

I began to move wanting to escape from such cruelties that exist and from the entrapments of such white walls, nauseating smells and constant ticking of the hands. I really did hate them and this place, but I mostly hated the fact that I was there and it was him who would no longer be anywhere. Time didn’t stop and Death didn’t care. It just took and continued to move on. I turn to take one last look and then I walk out the door.

Dedicated to my Papa

Maybe if I close my eyes...

Beavers to Bulldogs

Eleven years ago tonight our story began.
This Grand Rapids guy fell for a Deer River girl
all because of a GR hockey sweatshirt.

After weeks of sitting by each other in Sports Psychology class
and many Thursday nights at Keg N' Cork,
Mark asked me out.
Most of the credit goes to my roommate, Rachel, though.
She made it abundantly clear that I liked him
and would love to go out.
She was absolutely right.
We saw our first movie together, Random Hearts,
at the Amigo Theater.
It was absolutely dreadful,
but we were both too shy to say anything.
Then we went to Perkins for a slice of pie
and our first real conversation.
After that first date our time together snowballed
into more dates & opportunities to get to know each other.
We spent the rest of our months together at BSU
going for late night walks, watching Sunday football,
and building a relationship that has turned into what it is today.

All the rest is a history of
love,
marriage,
parenthood
and going through this life
together
hand in hand.

The Invitation

These words were given as a gift from a friend this week. Each time I read it I like it even more. Hopefully there will be a part, or perhaps all of it, that will speak to you too.

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals,
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own;
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful,
be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true,
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours or mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are,
or how you came to be here -
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me
where
or what
or with whom
you have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Meeting A & Staying

There's a blog post that I read last night from Another Espresso Please that's been stuck in my mind ever since. Somehow, once again, another individual out there has managed to write so poignantly what we're going through.
Here's a snippet where she made a connection between the healing process of a child and the movie "What dreams may come" where Robin Williams goes to hell to find his wife:

You moms and folks who are trying to live with a kid from hard places...
You moms and families who are working through an older child adoption, especially teenage...
You moms who have kids who have trauma backgrounds and/or various special needs....
Think about that.
Because we all know that "meeting up" is one of the only ways to help.
We have to meet them where they are...at that moment.
Often, more than often, it's a mini slice o' hell.

And we have to go there too.
Because they can't get out of there on their own.
Kids who have attachment issues, trauma triggers, who can't regulate their triggered emotions and reactions...they can't just get out of that personal hell.
We have to go to them.
Which means, we have to go to them, and often go through hell to do it, and yup, sit there a spell with them.
Because they are just kids, or teens even, but kids.

And that can sound so very lofty.
We think, at the start, and say with a trill, "Yes, darling, I will go to hell and back for you!"
But, um, ya know...going to hell and back?
Well it is, um, HELL.
It's exhausting and makes you (ok, me) want to cry and say "Forget it, I'm done."

Because even though sometimes I try to selfishly avoid and tiptoe around whatever acting out or somatic fallout or whatever is playing out.....if it's a trigger response (and not just moody teen)...then you can't ignore it, you can't go around it, or over it, (isn't there a kiddy song like that??) you have to go through it.
You have go to it, meet it, and go through it...with them.
Again, sounds all noble, right?
Um, not.
It's usually messy and causes fallout with the other kids and even between the parental unit types, even for yourself.
Because it's hell.
But unless you go sit there and BE with them, somehow, it's not gonna get better.
It might get worse.

So. Ya gotta go.
Meet them.
Wherever they are.

Mark and I have already gone.
We're sitting there BEING with Anthony.
Wherever he is at.
And we know it might get worse,
but we're hoping in the end everything will be better.
That it will have mattered.

On Thursday we brought Anthony to see a pediatric psychiatrist. She was amazing and nothing remotely like my fears. We talked, she listened and we came up with a plan to help our beautiful, hurt little boy. First up is more testing to rule out other possible diagnoses, then therapy - both in home and at the clinic, and finally medication.
A year ago I would have resist any type of meds.
Now I understand it needs to be a combination of medication and therapy. I think that will be his best chance of overcoming all of the pain that exists inside.
Today was only day two and I've been an absolute basket case.
He didn't hit, he didn't say I hate you, he didn't want me to go away.
However,....
He rarely talked.
He didn't want to walk -- he would rather be carried.
He was very emotional and sobbed heartbreaking tears throughout the day.
There were no smiles,
no running around,
no playing,
no giggles,
no expression,
no personality.
Where is my Bubsa Boo?
What have we done?!

Tonight I rocked him to sleep and made him a promise once again.
I don't know exactly what happened to him before he came home and I have no way of knowing what his world looks like according to him right now. I know it must be hard to keep it together each day trying to overcome all the hurt that continues to linger and haunt. Now it must be even harder to be on this medication and in a constant stupor.
Please understand that we're trying something.
If this doesn't work we'll try something else.
And if that fails we will move onto the next thing.
Bubsa Boo --- You need to know that we are NEVER giving up.
EVER.
Daddy and momma are there with you.
Wherever there is at.
And we won't leave you.
EVER.
Even if it means being in a "mini slice o' hell".
Or having tough days for a very long time.
We are there.
We are staying until we walk hand in hand out of this abyss.

The Faheys

This morning we took an hour scenic drive to visit with the Faheys. We realized as we were catching up that three years had already passed since our last visit, which was when Anthony came home. Due to a change in jobs our Bemidji State friends relocated from their St. Michael home to their current home out in the country close to Hinckley.
It was great to spend a few hours visiting with Casey and Jessi again as well as their two beautiful girls, Jovi and Neela. Even though our days of crazy college fun is long behind us it was immediately clear that we still have a strong foundation of friendship. It was really nice to catch up with Jessi and realize that our priorities in life are very much the same --- our families mean everything to us. It was also fun to venture downstairs and see that Casey, the forever hunter, has been busy. The best addition to his collection of animals was a giant moose head. (Very cool!) Later he shared his Canadian hunting DVD story, which was fun to see the sights & hear Casey commentating, but a bit hard to see the actual kill of this magnificent animal hanging on the wall. (This comes as no surprise for those of you who know me.)
We left their house feeling thankful for the visit and for genuine friends who withstand the gaps when life happens. Our hope is that this time around it won't take us another three years to get together again.
Thank you, Fahey family! You are a delight!