Twilight Zone

Do you ever have an experience when you start to think you might possibly be in the middle of an SNL or Candid Camera skit? You find yourself breaking away from what is happening to look for the cameras because you know they must be there. After an extensive search you are absolutely puzzled because you see no cameras, you hear no laughing and you come to the sad reality that everything unfolding in front of you is REAL. Raw reality is slapping you in the face and you are absolutely dumbfounded as to how this could be happening. You assume there will be a punch line, but unfortunately there is none.
Welcome to my Twilight Zone.
Today.
Me.
Walmart.

I pull into aisle 8 with a box of diapers and items to make The Whitcomb. (Once again, you seriously need to make this! YUM!) Unfortunately, this is where the normalcy stops and the craziness begins.
I wait my turn and then start putting my items onto the conveyor belt. Right away the lady in front of me with short hair, large glasses, dirty gray t-shirt, capri sweatpants and a larger than large leather fanny pack starts speaking to me. (From now on I'll just refer to her as Crazy Walmart Lady - CWL.) Apparently she is on a mission to touch, hold up and inspect all of my items to purchase.

First item? Lettuce.
CWL: What kind of fancy stuff is this?
Me: It's lettuce.
CWL: I've never seen this type of lettuce before.
Me: It's called romaine.
CWL: You too good for the other stuff? Fancy.

WHAT?!
She can't possibly be serious, right?
Clearly she was...

CWL: What the heck is this?
Me: Ham
CWL: Pr....os.... struggling hard with the pronunciation
Me: It's prosciutto.
CWL: How much does it cost?
Me: $3.98 for 3 ounces.
CWL: That's expensive! And you're buying two?! Why would you need two? Are you too good to get regular ham that you could just chop up and use?
Me: The recipe calls for prosciutto (holding up the recipe card I brought in defense) and that's what I'm going to use.
CWL: Fancy.

This went on with the shredded Parmesan, deli style bread, sliced mushrooms.... Cameras? Where are you?! I know you are hiding somewhere!

Just as I'm emptying the contents of my shopping cart a lady with her young daughter pulls in behind me. I think nothing of this; she's around my age, her daughter is a cutie patootie and I'm a bit envious that she got a whole cart full of groceries with a smiling, non-whining child. However, CWL notices the lady and comes to a completely different conclusion. She whispers LOUDLY for everyone to hear that I better get back to my purse because there are a lot of "people with sticky fingers who shop here". I just stare at her like she's absolutely crazy without moving, but she insists that I go back to my cart and protect my purse.
WHAT?!

CWL pays for her one item and it appears that I am finally able to finish up this rather interesting Walmart experience. However, she decides to stay in her spot to watch all of my items being rung up. Immediately she tells the check out girl - who, by the way, could careless - that I'm a big spender and only buy the fanciest groceries. She constantly assures me that I am paying too much for such "fancy groceries" as she watches everything being scanned.

Finally she leaves with a last fancy shout out and this whole Twilight Zone moment comes to an end.

Tosh.0 would have loved this! This could make a great SNL skit! This is the inspiration that comedians desperately want! Unfortunately, it was just another day in the life of Tonja where cameras don't roll and my reality is far from a television show.
FANCY, huh?! :)