What a week

Tuesday
Anthony has reached many milestones since he's come home. It's been a joy to watch him grow and learn and be filled with wonder and adventure. This past week another milestone approached, which left me feeling a bit sad that he's gotten so big as well as filled with trepidation with how well it would (or would not) go.
Preschool Screening took place on Tuesday.
One word to aptly describe it?
DISASTER.
From the moment we walked through the doors and sat down to register I knew it was going to be a challenging experience.
He didn't want to sit. He didn't want me to go wait in the waiting room. He didn't want the lady to take his coat. He didn't want to go into the room. He didn't want to play the matching game. The list of "I not want to do that" continued on.
I know I shouldn't have been surprised or shocked or hurt, but I was.
I so wanted this milestone to go smoothly.
As I sat through each screening area I found myself wishing things could be different. I wished there was a way I could control his behavior and have him be more focused truly demonstrating what he knows. I wished I could be the beaming, carefree parent sitting in the waiting room causally reading a magazine with the knowledge that everything was going just fine. I wished this could be Anthony's moment to shine. I wished he wasn't so torn between wanting/needing me to be there with him meanwhile hitting, kicking and saying such hurtful words.
Throughout the process my eyes repeatedly became dams that I willed not to flood over.
Our 75 minute appointment quickly became 120 minutes with a referral to meet again within the week to go over everything and discuss more testing.
I left feeling defeated.
DE-FEAT-ED.
As I dropped off Anthony at daycare and rushed to beat my students back to the classroom again I fought back the tears, but I refused to cry and began to pray.

Wednesday
My mom graciously started her March long Wednesdays with Anthony. Daycare has not been going well and we needed to come up with a plan to help out our wonderful provider. Being that Wednesdays are her busiest days (and Anthony is usually at his worst) we asked mom if she could help out. THANKFULLY she agreed and made the quick trip just to spend time with her grandson and help us out immensely. Hopefully the break throughout each week with help out Anthony and Renae.

Thursday
I met with two teachers from the Early Childhood Center to finish what was started on Tuesday. It was clear that cognitively Anthony does just fine. His score was way beyond where he should be for his age. (This is coming from the kid who didn't even try! He actually said that a cow goes quack! Ugh.)
It was also clear that he's struggling greatly with his behavior. A six is concerning --- our Bubsa Beetle scored a fourteen.
We spent the rest of the time getting the ball rolling for him to be accessed by the special education co-op and - hopefully --- yes, hopefully - get him qualified to be a part of the program. After talking with the special education teacher, who was fabulous, I quickly realized this would be the best program for him to be a part of the next two school years. This classroom has several teachers working with the students and integrates a sensory processing approach throughout their day. Everyday they start off by doing a physical activity of climbing, jumping, etc. and take several breaks from learning to focus on the sensory needs of the students.
I never thought I would be hoping for a child of mine to have a label and be a "sped" kid. However, I realize this is his best chance to continue to grow cognitively without all of the behaviors getting in his way.
The paperwork has been sent and now we wait. He has to qualify in two areas in order to be in the classroom he really needs to be in.
I am TRUSTING that what needs to happen will.

We've been going to therapy twice a week for his Sensory Processing issues for two months now. There have been many times while sitting there and waiting for our appointment that I start to do the human trait of judging. I am completely guilty of making rash judgments of parents and their kids based on their behavior and overall appearance while Anthony plays quietly in the waiting room. Slowly throughout these past weeks and months I've started to feel a bit better about our situation based on others around us. I've even gone so far as to tell Mark about so and so in the waiting room and what they did that Anthony would never do.
All of that changed at our Thursday appointment.
His therapist pushed him a lot and Anthony did a wonderful job of holding back. I could tell he really wanted to yell and hit her, but he refrained. When we got back to the full waiting room he finally fell apart and, once again, I was the epicenter of his anger. Only this time it was in a very public place and many eyes were watching us as he yelled at the top of his lungs and threw punches faster than any boxer in a ring. As the eyes bore into me I continued my mantra of you are loved, you are good, you are safe, and mommy isn't going anywhere.
After many minutes he was able to calm down and we were ready to go.
I realized that others might have made some rash judgments about me as a mother and my beautiful boy Anthony.
I walked to the van filled with humility.
Lesson learned, God.

Lord, please help me (and Mark too!)
I never want to feel defeated.
I don't want to cry.
I (WE) CAN do this!
Sometimes I just need to be reminded.
I am strong.
You believe in me.
You have a plan.
You love all three of us.
I just need to trust.
I need to have faith.
I need to continue on this journey being positive.
With your help defeat will never be a word used in my vocabulary again.

Perspective
Today I spent a good portion of Anthony's nap time reading a Reactive Attachment Disorder blog written by an adoptive mom. The story of her daughter was heartbreaking and horrific. The awful things that this young child endured truly are unimaginable to me and forever left a scar on her life in many ways. The prose was brutally honest and the mother's pain was palpable.
As I read and prayed for this young girl I gained a new perspective for our life. Yes, I need to continue to write and share our story. I need to avoid feeling isolated once again at all costs. I need to continue to have faith and trust that the Hanson Hattrick is in God's hands; everything WILL work out for us.
Right before we woke up A I shared all of this with Mark. I shared my hope. During that conversation I saw a smile, heard a laugh and saw hope being reignited within him.
This might have been "quite a week" in a row of "quite a weeks" with many "quite a weeks" to come. However, there is always hope. As long as we have that anything is possible for our future!