Kate

Last weekend I had the opportunity to visit a reader.

psychic...

clairvoyant....

mystic...

occult...

spiritual...

telekinetic...

telepathic...

transmundane (good one thersaurus.com!)...

There are lots of names to describe her and her abilities.  There's also lots of skeptics of her and her abilities.

This particular reader, Kate, just seems so natural and sensible.  She seems to have a gift to be in touch with something/someone that I cannot, for whatever reason, see or hear or even begin to comprehend.  Her words feel like a message I was meant to hear --- one that I needed to hear.

There is no turban and gaudy jewelry.  No hocus pocus.  No witchcraft and wizardry.

Just Kate.  Normal Kate.  Easily-could-be-my-friend, Kate.

She said a great deal on Saturday and some words have stuck with me more than others.

You are doing a good job --- don't doubt that.

Stop feeling sorry for him; he's no longer in that life.

Let him be who he is.  Back off and stop being an overprotective parent.

You are helping him to be the person he's going to be versus the person he could be.  

How does she know exactly what to say?!  Are these statements so general that anyone could be given them and feel better about the situation they are in?  I may have paid for a bunch of crap and complete hogwash.  Maybe I've been filled with false hope and a whole pack of lies.  I choose and hope to believe that there truly is something more and that every once in awhile that something more and average, mundane me connects.

A Beautiful Moment

I adore these pictures. 

I want to hold onto how these pictures 

even became pictures in the first place. 

To anyone else it may look like a glass filled 

with water and dandelions.

How ordinary.

However, this is beyond the ordinary.  

It's extraordinary.

These pictures fill me with hope.

Through Pinterest I've found an interesting blog that's honest and real and has completely captured my attention - Overcoming Myself.   This unknown blogger doesn't just have one post that speaks to me, but rather her site is filled full of knowledge and understanding and in many ways looks like my life.  

To Mothers of Unattached Children - 

...We are heart healers, which is so hard to be when we ourselves are broken.  Our hearts are broken, too...often by the same children we are trying to heal. 

....We've been the recipients of abuse, emotional and verbal and physical.  We've had to turn the other cheek, put up a brave front, treat others the way they would want to be treated even though they refuse to do the same for us...

...We have good days and bad days.  Days that we feel like we can change the world, make a difference, and days when we wish the world would swallow us up.  End the turmoil of our lives.  We are filled with guilt for the damage we've sometimes allowed to fester by not being perfect moms.  By being selfish.  By being human....

...You are not alone.  I understand exactly how you feel....You are not a horrible mother for how a damaged child has changed you.  Good days and bad days aside, you are and always have been one of the special, the few.  The mommies that haven't given up on beautiful even though it's covered in ugliness, even though you sometimes wish you could run the other way.  You have allowed yourself to be put into a place where God can use you to do miracles.  And He will, if you let Him...

Compassion Fatigue - 

I'm stuck in a funk of what we parents of traumatized kids call Compassion Fatigue.  I know what my older kids went through as babies and toddlers, I have a pretty good idea of what caused them to be the way they are, but their endless annoying, disrespectful, controlling behavior is blocking all of that out right now.
Frankly, I want them to just knock it off and act right. 

But just like my tiny teething baby, I have to remember:

I need to forgive them; they aren't being controlling on purpose.
Their brains just don't work right.
They're sick.

And when all else fails, it helps to visualize them as crabby, droopy-eyed, fevered little babies, crying their hearts out for someone to pick them up and comfort them.  Snuggle them.  Love on them.  Care about them. 

When they were babies, there's a good chance that no one ever came.  And that makes me sad....makes the compassion flow a little easier, when I think about them being sick or teething or hungry or cold or wet or dirty or scared and crying out in vain.  Left totally, completely alone to comfort themselves.
When deep down, all they really want is their Mama.

It's Hard to Hug a Porcupine -

...RAD kids are like porcupines, they seem all kind and gentle,

Until you try to love one you don't know they're temperamental.

As soon as you get close to one, to love, to be a mother,

The prickly porcupine comes out; they'll fight you like no other....




Coming across this blogspot was such a find for me when I really needed it.  Although her mommy-hood and life is different from mine, her words resonate deeply within me.  She dares to be completely honest and truly give a glimpse into the daily life of loving a child who struggles with attaching and being able to love back.  


Please know that Anthony HAS improved in so many ways!  He has come so far and it's so promising to see the growth that he has made.  We have come a long way in four years and are so thankful for the positive changes that have been made.


However, his mad is still there.  And it's that mad that takes over his body and explodes from him that causes so much hurt.  It's a daily challenge.

That is exactly why this picture, these flowers and this moment is so completely treasured.

Last week we had two beautiful days.  On one of those days Anth was outside with daddy while I was getting supper prepared.  He came in all excited Come here, mommy! and gave me two dandelions that he had picked just for me.  

Of course I beamed and thanked him feeling his good mood and seeing the true Anthony that exists inside himself.

Before going back outside he turned and said I love you, mommy with a huge smile on his face.

It was at that exact moment that I wished I could freeze life, keep all the hurt away and just bask in the normalcy of this beautiful moment.  

It turned out that I didn't need to freeze anything.  Anthony repeatedly came in that night with more flowers and more love.  

It felt wonderful.  It was a needed reprieve.  It makes me want more.    

Underneath all of that hurt and pain, our Anthony is there.  I am thankful there are moments like this when we get to see him for a whole night.  It fills me with hope that someday he'll be free from all the pain and the mad.

A's Photo Shoot

The world according to Anthony.

  

This is what you get when a little boy takes over your camera and starts an impromptu photo shoot around the house.

We LOVE Cousin Time

Damon and Manda's metal business - Twisted Metals - has really taken off and they have been busy working out in their shop every day to keep up.  (Click on the link to find them on facebook and check out their creations!  If you "like" them you could be in the running to win a cute garden stake!)  Several of their shows they go to happen to be in our area, which is the bonus for us.  They've already stayed with us two weekends and there are more weekends of cousin time in the upcoming months.
Y-A-H-O-O!
It's fun to see Anth and Ash play together.  They both love to be OUTSIDE and doing something so it works out well.  It's equally as fun to get to see Miss Tai Tai as she is ever changing and growing. She's quite the snuggler and just oh so cute.
Can't wait for our next weekend in a few weeks!

Easter 2012

We celebrated Easter this year at the Tuttle's house in Grand Rapids.  It was nice to have it a day earlier so we could actually enjoy every one's company and not have to worry about celebrating quickly and then rushing home to do laundry, buy groceries and get ready for another week of work/school/Renae's house. 

Even though it was a rainy/colder day the boys still had fun playing outside and finding lots of fun things to occupy their time.  The annual egg hunt was a success and eating the treats was the bonus as always.  Later on Uncle Airwick took them on a walk on the nearby trails and the boys had a great time being out in nature.

Miss already-three-months-old Taitum Jane was a sweetie pie as always.  She got lots of lovin' throughout the day as everyone was willing to hold her and spend a little time together.  What she didn't like at all was her new Easter basket.  Whoever decided to put her in it for a photo was downright crazy.  Sorry, Miss Tai Tai!

And it wouldn't be a celebration without something crazy happening.

Oh, the squirrels.  Clearly little boys named Anthony just cannot resist going squirrel hunting...

Did you see that, Ash?  Why don't you go get it?  Here, I'll give you a little push...

 You don't want to help me?  That's okay.  With Uncle Damon's shoes on I can do this on my own...

No squirrels were caught or harmed, but he sure had fun trying!

Got to love the mind of a five year old boy!

Our Neighborhood

I remember moving into our house when Desperate Housewives was just starting up and we were watching it every week.  I remember thinking it would be fun to get to know our neighbors and have neighborly get togethers (minus the scandal, sex, murder....).  

That never happened.

Our neighborhood is fairly quiet and for the most part people/families do their own thing.  After seven years of living here we know a few of our neighbors and very rarely do we ever hang out or do something together.

That's all changed in the last month, though.  Our neighborhood has come alive all because of the Bubsa Boo and the power of wanting to play.

I have to admit the first time he went over to his friend's house to play I was beyond nervous (and Mark was laughing at me).  Have we properly taught him how to cross the road?  What if while they're at the park a stranger comes up to him?  Is he saying please and thank you while playing at a friend's house?  What if he gets hurt and I'm not there?  Will he make good choices?  Is he being a good friend?  How well do we really know his friends' parents?  Will Anth be safe?

Again, Mark was shaking his head at all of my nervousness.  He knew Anth was ready.  He knew that playing with friends in the neighborhood is a good thing.  That's what he grew up doing in his own neighborhood as a boy in GR.

Three weeks ago Anthony and I went to his school to have hot lunch together with all of the other will-be-kindergartners next year.  While we were eating and talking and enjoying our date it hit me.  My Bubsa Boo is not my little Bubsa Boo anymore.  He's getting so big and so grown-up.  There's so many things he can do on his own and he's learned so much these last two years in preschool.  I was choking back tears as I realized he's ready for this.  All of this.   He's ready to enter kindergarten next year.  He's ready to play with friends in the neighborhood.  He's ready to have a little freedom and be in situations where he needs to make his own decisions.  

I was the one who wasn't ready.  I want to hold onto his toddler-hood a little longer in an attempt to make everything right/better/healed first before he moves onto the next stage of his life.  I wasn't ready to give all that up, but I need to be.  

He's so ready.  He's there.  I guess this mommy needs to do some catch-up and get into the next phase of his life too with the knowledge that everything will be okay.   It's a good reminder that it's all in God's time.  Not mine.

Clinging to Hope

"Hope is a miracle drug. When we allow in even the tiniest microscopic speck of hope that things can get better, it generates in even the most wounded heart the energy to begin the long, slow, bumpy journey back." - Wendy Keller 


Lately we've had more downs than ups.  The daily barrage is painful, exhausting and so very sad.

There's always hope, though.
Hope for happy moments, carefree days, a healthy Bubsa Boo.

All of his words, his actions show his pain.
The pain gives me a glimpse into his story --- the past trauma.
It makes me cringe.
He didn't deserve this.
No child does.

So I keep loving.
I keep smiling.
I keep giving.
I keep trying.
I keep caring.
I keep being mommy.

I can't give up.
Even when the days are hard.
I don't want to give up.

I'm still holding onto it.
My miracle drug ---- hope.

SnuggleFest2012

It got really quiet in the house.
Unusually quiet.
Oh-my-goodness-he's-up-to-something-quiet.
Turns out I was missing out on SnuggleFest2012!

Apparently gathering all the blankets and all the pillows on mommy and daddy's bed makes for a great "fort" and some snuggling time with the Wonder Dog.  I walked in on these two content and quiet as can be.  Just snuggling.

PS - He used my favorite Gretchen blanket as the "door" to get in and out of his fort.  Good thing Zo chewed that hole through it all those months (years?!) ago.  It often comes in handy as a door or poncho or whatever else your imagination can come up with!

Pinterest

Some individuals have the gift of creativity; they come up with unique and fun ideas all of the time on their own.   Unfortunately, that's a quality I have never possessed.  I have found out, though, that it doesn't really matter because a site has been created for people just like me.   

Pinterest.  

This newly found site is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and has given me so many ideas for experiments, projects, and craft creations to do with the Bubsa Boo as well as yummy recipes to try out.  I vowed that if I was going to go onto the site that I would have to go beyond pinning items, but really trying them out.  It turns out that really isn't a problem.  Anth is always eager to do an experiment of some sort and I'm always willing to mix it up in the kitchen.  It's been a lot of fun and worth joining. 

The "hot lava" was a favorite of Anthony's.  He loved mixing the items together and watching them overflow; he spent a lot of time doing it again and again and again.  The double bonus was our conversation about what would make the reaction happen again (adding more vinegar vs. baking soda or perhaps both) as well as getting the dingy glasses sparkling clean again.

Fortunately, we have a whole line up of craft projects and experiments waiting for us this summer.  Can't wait!

Seriously.

What are you waiting for?!?!

(Insert sister's name HERE: __ __ __ __ __)

Get Pinterest-ing!

I guarantee you'll love it too! 

Oh. So. Good.

There are a few recipes that I just have to share because they were that good and will be in my recipe binder for good.  No surprise they are sweets...




Creamed Almond Bars
Crust (Mix together and pat into bottom of 9x13 pan; bake 20-25 minutes at 350 degrees)
1 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup powdered sugar
2 cups flour

Filling (beat together until smooth; pour over hot crust and bake another 15 minutes; cool completely)
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 teaspoon almond extract

Frosting (beat together, adding extra milk if necessary until a spreadable consistency is reached)
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1/4 cup butter, softened
1 teaspoon almond extract
1 1/2 tablespoons milk

OPTIONAL: Top with sliced almonds

*** This was unbelievably good!  I LOVE almond extract, though.



Caramel Corn Puffs
2 bags butter flavored puff corn
2 sticks real butter
2 cups packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup Karo light corn syrup
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp baking soda

Preheat oven to 250 degrees

Pour puff corn in very large roasting pan with deep sides that have been greased.

In large heavy saucepan, melt butter, corn syrup, and brown sugar over medium heat.  Bring to a boil.  Boil for 4-5 minutes stirring most of the time.

Remove from heat and carefully add vanilla and soda (it will foam up).  Stir well to combine.

Pour over puff corn and stir until well coated.

Bake for about 1 hour, stirring every 10 to 15 minutes.

Pour out onto sheet pans that have been lined with parchment or greased foil and let it cool.  Store in airtight container.

*** This was a different twist to the traditional caramel corn because of it's texture.  It was crunchier and really good.


No-Bake Chocolate Chip Granola Bars
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup honey
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
2 cups cooking oats
1 cup crispy rice cereal
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons mini chocolate chips

In a large bowl, stir oats and rice cereal together.  Set aside.

In a small pot, melt butter, honey, and brown sugar over medium high heat until it comes to a bubble.  Reduce the heat and cook for two minutes.

Pour in vanilla and stir.

Pour over dry ingredients and mix well to moisten.  The pour into lightly greased, small jelly roll pan and press out to be about 3/4 inch in thickness.  Be sure to press down so they stick together.  Sprinkle with mini chocolate chips and press down lightly.

Cool on a counter top to room temperature for two hours or until the chocolate chips are set before cutting into the bars.  Wrap in parchment or plastic wrap and store at room temperature.

*** This became an instant family hit and will be made again in the future!

Weekend Fun

A few weekends ago we ironically took a winter weekend getaway with friends to a water park and it happened to be SEVENTY-FIVE DEGREES OUTSIDE.  Wowzers!  What a crazy weather spell we are in although I am not complaining at all.    

Three Bears Lodge proved to a be a lot of fun for the kids and adults, but busy.  Five co-workers turned girlfriends have nine kiddos - ranging from five months to six - which means we spend a lot of time watching, playing, redirecting, parenting and getting conversations in between all of that.  It's wonderful, though, to have friends who are in the same stage of life and understand the busyness of being working mothers.  

I....

really should have pulled out my camera more often during this trip.  I realize I have very few pictures and there's a whole lot of cuteness to document.

am thankful that cryptosporidium wasn't running rampant and that I didn't contribute to the recent problem.  Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back!?

love that we are able to continue the tradition that my parents started way back when.  Winter Blah Getaway Weekends are always fun and a highlight for Anth.

Children's Museum

This week Anth and I took a trip down to the Children's Museum with Gretchen and the girls.  Someone was VERY excited to check out all of the fun attractions surrounding Grossology!  (By the way, the burping and tooting displays were a kid favorite while Gret and I laughed hysterically with the "What is this smell?" hands on activity.  It harder than you would think to distinguish between the anus, mouth, armpit and feet smells.)
NOTE: Check out the capri pants on Anth.  Clearly packing away the size that's too small for him was a bad idea.  He's anti-6T even though he really does need to be moving a size up.  Oh well.  There are worst things!  At least he's wearing clothes!

Team work!
Last week at the dinner table Anth was talking about his day at Renae's house and declared that Adele was his best friend.  He's never stated anything about a best friend before this announcement.
So cute!  If you spend a few minutes with these two together you would see why they get along so famously...

It's discovery, play time for AAA!

Gretchen and I had the best service at the restaurant!  The waitstaff there was oh so friendly, kept us completely fed and were super cute too!  I love the smiles and all the imagination that was hard at work. A true testament that learning and fun can always exist together.

Andie Bug proved to be a water bug!

She loved the tot tables full of water and balls and fun things to look at. 

 What's this?!  

Oh, it has water coming out of it!

 I am feeling a bit thirsty....

 Man, this stuff is GOOD!

Too bad mom was around and had to put a kibosh to your fun, Andie.

Overall, the day was a hit with the kids and fun for the mommies as well.

Thanks, Changa Ladies for the invite!

Love for the Wonder Dog