The past few weeks have been tough. Sure we've experienced worse and are probably far from hitting "rock bottom"; however, as the months roll by the strain of raising an emotionally dysregulated child takes a toll. It's hard to hear and see the daily anger and hatred & watch as my family struggles under the weight of such stress. Through it all I just keep praying, loving, giving thanks and HOPING that we're on the right track as well as on the cusp of a real breakthrough.
Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...
Anthony has now been further diagnosed with a mood disorder as well as an anxiety disorder. Our doctor is hesitant to label the mood disorder - depression, bi-polar, etc. - at such a young age; however, it showed up significantly in the testing and is impacting his everyday life. The part I really struggled with, and have been trying to work through since our last doctor's appointment on Friday, is the "where do we go from here?" million dollar question. Once again I heard the standard comments: you two are great parents, you are trying everything possible, you are seeking help and actively engaged in therapy, blah...blah...blah...
I just wish professionals could see the "behind the scenes" moments at our house and then give us some REAL help. Sometimes it takes over ten minutes just to get tennis shoes on; I can hear an "I hate you" and not even be in the same room; fighting sleep and struggling through the night is a daily occurrence; little food is eaten and everything is "disgusting"; physical aggression, rages, and impulsive behaviors continue to be the norm. Our stress level is high as well as our desire for a lasting change.
I should be hesitant to say this (darn HOPE!), but I really feel strongly that we may have finally found the right fit therapy-wise for our family. We may finally be at a place where real help is given and a beautiful, needed change can occur. I already feel a paradigm shift within myself (seriously!) and am praying the same will be true for our Bubsa Boo. We've only gone two times, but I already feel more educated and better equipped to handle parenting A in a whole different way. I know I should be more cautious in feeling/saying this, but hope continues to float and build.
Last night during bath time Anth asked me, "Momma, why did birth mommy give me to you?" We were able to have a great conversation and make, once again, the differentiation between the two moms in his life. He was able to hear his life story again and ask important clarifying questions along the way. I was glad he was able to verbalize his thoughts and let me into that fragile dialogue that, more than likely, runs through his mind often.
Tonight I sit here at the computer and bask in the glow of a wonderful day. Honestly! I feel no stress and the mood in our house just feels peaceful. For a whole day I used a new, suggested approach of "video moments", and, get this, it W-O-R-K-E-D! Granted, something that works today may not work tomorrow; however, it felt so good to be using the techniques taught at therapy in our daily lives and seeing actual results. There were NO tantrums today and constant screaming. There were NO timeouts. There WAS hitting, but it de-escalated almost immediately. There WERE moments of rage, but I was able to talk him through it and get him back to playing quite easily. The overall tone of our house was that of calmness. CALMNESS! It truly was a wonderful first day of parenting in a different way to obtain different results. It was absolutely refreshing and needed.
I am so thankful that it is summer right now. It gives me plenty of time to direct my focus on what really matters - my family. Our July is packed full of appointments as well as many days at home to continue to build a healthy attachment and work on communicating with each other. I pray that one day of success can snowball into others and that God will give us the strength to always continue. Tomorrow will be a new day with a new set of challenges. I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...
