I adore these pictures.
I want to hold onto how these pictures
even became pictures in the first place.
To anyone else it may look like a glass filled
with water and dandelions.
How ordinary.
However, this is beyond the ordinary.
It's extraordinary.
These pictures fill me with hope.
Through Pinterest I've found an interesting blog that's honest and real and has completely captured my attention - Overcoming Myself. This unknown blogger doesn't just have one post that speaks to me, but rather her site is filled full of knowledge and understanding and in many ways looks like my life.
...We are heart healers, which is so hard to be when we ourselves are broken. Our hearts are broken, too...often by the same children we are trying to heal.
....We've been the recipients of abuse, emotional and verbal and physical. We've had to turn the other cheek, put up a brave front, treat others the way they would want to be treated even though they refuse to do the same for us...
...We have good days and bad days. Days that we feel like we can change the world, make a difference, and days when we wish the world would swallow us up. End the turmoil of our lives. We are filled with guilt for the damage we've sometimes allowed to fester by not being perfect moms. By being selfish. By being human....
...You are not alone. I understand exactly how you feel....You are not a horrible mother for how a damaged child has changed you. Good days and bad days aside, you are and always have been one of the special, the few. The mommies that haven't given up on beautiful even though it's covered in ugliness, even though you sometimes wish you could run the other way. You have allowed yourself to be put into a place where God can use you to do miracles. And He will, if you let Him...
I'm stuck in a funk of what we parents of traumatized kids call Compassion Fatigue. I know what my older kids went through as babies and toddlers, I have a pretty good idea of what caused them to be the way they are, but their endless annoying, disrespectful, controlling behavior is blocking all of that out right now.
Frankly, I want them to just knock it off and act right.
But just like my tiny teething baby, I have to remember:
I need to forgive them; they aren't being controlling on purpose.
Their brains just don't work right.
They're sick.
And when all else fails, it helps to visualize them as crabby, droopy-eyed, fevered little babies, crying their hearts out for someone to pick them up and comfort them. Snuggle them. Love on them. Care about them.
When they were babies, there's a good chance that no one ever came. And that makes me sad....makes the compassion flow a little easier, when I think about them being sick or teething or hungry or cold or wet or dirty or scared and crying out in vain. Left totally, completely alone to comfort themselves.
When deep down, all they really want is their Mama.
It's Hard to Hug a Porcupine -
...RAD kids are like porcupines, they seem all kind and gentle,
Until you try to love one you don't know they're temperamental.
As soon as you get close to one, to love, to be a mother,
The prickly porcupine comes out; they'll fight you like no other....
Coming across this blogspot was such a find for me when I really needed it. Although her mommy-hood and life is different from mine, her words resonate deeply within me. She dares to be completely honest and truly give a glimpse into the daily life of loving a child who struggles with attaching and being able to love back.
Please know that Anthony HAS improved in so many ways! He has come so far and it's so promising to see the growth that he has made. We have come a long way in four years and are so thankful for the positive changes that have been made.
However, his mad is still there. And it's that mad that takes over his body and explodes from him that causes so much hurt. It's a daily challenge.
That is exactly why this picture, these flowers and this moment is so completely treasured.
Last week we had two beautiful days. On one of those days Anth was outside with daddy while I was getting supper prepared. He came in all excited Come here, mommy! and gave me two dandelions that he had picked just for me.
Of course I beamed and thanked him feeling his good mood and seeing the true Anthony that exists inside himself.
Before going back outside he turned and said I love you, mommy with a huge smile on his face.
It was at that exact moment that I wished I could freeze life, keep all the hurt away and just bask in the normalcy of this beautiful moment.
It turned out that I didn't need to freeze anything. Anthony repeatedly came in that night with more flowers and more love.
It felt wonderful. It was a needed reprieve. It makes me want more.
Underneath all of that hurt and pain, our Anthony is there. I am thankful there are moments like this when we get to see him for a whole night. It fills me with hope that someday he'll be free from all the pain and the mad.
